Dear Starbucks Gay Guy,

Ohmigosh, you’re gay. I knew it. You were just too good to be true anyway. You are another proof to my “motto:” all the good men are either taken or gay (or both. Ouch!). On second thought, I don’t even know you that well, so why am I already assuming that you belong to the “good men” category? But you’re so gwapo and that’s good enough for me. I swear, you have the most amazing profile I ever saw. It was love at first sight. Well, only on my part since I was the only one looking at you. You were too engrossed with your book (hardbound international edition no less) to notice me staring at you longingly from the other side of the glass partition in Starbucks.

Why are you gay? It’s not as if there’s not enough women in the girls. With your looks, you could have more than your fair share of girls.

But then again, are you really gay? My friends tell me that they saw you holding hands with a girl. But I did see you making those gay movements with your hands, and did hear you say “you go, girl!” to one of your friends. What the hell was that? Straight guys absolutely do not use “girl” to address girls. My friends also tell me that I’m just jealous of that girl you held hands with so I’m insisting that you’re gay. But, hel-lo! I’d rather you be straight with a girlfriend than available but gay. ‘Di ba? ‘Di ba?

So ano ka ba talaga? It’s a mystery I’m too scared to solve. Maybe I should just ask you, but that would be a lose-lose situation. If you say yes, my world would be completely shattered. But if your answer is no, then you would really be offended that I even thought you gay. So where does that leave me? In a limbo. In gray areas. Or should I say in gay areas? *sigh*

Oh well. That’s life. I just hope that you’re happy with whatever sexual orientation you have.

Lovingly yours,
Starbucks Gay Girl

[Who’s Starbucks Gay Guy? He’s this guy I often see in Starbucks Katipunan (Duh. Isn’t it obvious?). He’s from UP, and I do know his name, but for my dignity’s sake, I won’t mention it here. He was crush for almost a week (as in I always go to Starbucks every night even if I don’t need to study or anything) until I saw him making those gay movements I mentioned earlier. After that, I happened to eavesdrop into one of his conversations with his friends and the way he talks is undeniably gay. He’s still my crush though, but no, it’s not because two homos having a relationship could be considered normal. Gahd, that’s so gross. Anyway, it’s because he’s an eye candy despite his being gay. He’s still nice to look at, especially when he’s studying or contemplating about whatever while smoking. I just don’t look at him while he’s talking with his friends. That’s when he transforms from a charming cutie into a *sob!* gay cutie. Gosh, I wonder what would happen if he reads my blog. Nah. Asa pa ko, ‘di ba? But if by some weird coincidence he chances across this, I hope he answers my question so my mind would be put to rest.]

Two weeks left before finals and I’m still blogging. So much for being in the final stretch.

I had a report this evening, and my partner and I basically just crammed everything. And we were just reading aloud instead of actually reporting. And I actually got bored with the mere sound of my voice. And you know what the teacher said? “Very good.” “Interesting report.” And she wasn’t being sarcastic. Whoa. What the hell was that?

This adds proof to my theory that I get better results when I’m not prepared than when I actually studied and worked hard. Maybe I should just be a bum for the remaining three weeks of the semester and hope that I get A’s for all my finals. But then I’ll be too unprepared so I’ll probably flunk everything. Oh well. Bahala na.

quiz quiz quiz

website courtesy of andie :P

I am

I am selfish. I am self-absorbed. I am self-involved. I am self-deprecating. I am an embarrassment.

I am an ice queen with a heart of stone. I am uncaring. I am unfeeling. I am unforgiving. I am unforgetting. I am unthinking. I am inconsiderate. I am inconsistent. I am discontented. I am negative.

I am immature. I am vindictive. I am resentful. I am bitter. I am mean. I am judgmental.

I am balat-sibuyas. I am moody. I am ill tempered. I am angst-filled.

I am bitchy. I am slutty. I am perverted. I am clumsy. I am lazy. I am crazy.

I am stubborn. I am assuming. I am masochistic. I am proud. I am papansin. I am pretentious. I am nagging. I am a spendthrift. I am compulsive.

I am pathetic. I am weird. I am mediocre. I am never good enough.

I am flawed. I am human.

Moro and More

Abie and I went to Moro Lorenzo (Ateneo’s very own fitness gym) a couple of nights ago. Since we were both newbies, the training wasn’t really that intensive, but, boy, was I really worn out. I guess “absolutely exhausted” was written all over my face because barely halfway through it, Abie was already asking me if I was still all right. Goodness, I almost fainted then and there. Abie was also asking me if I regretted enrolling to a gym. I mean, I was actually paying a hefty sum to those psychos disguised as gym instructors to torture me! But no, I’m not regretting anything. Well, I do regret looking like a complete idiot with my tongue lolling out, but in a few months, I’ll be a very fit, very trim-looking idiot in a two-piece swimsuit nursing a piña colada in Boracay with a dozen or so hunks flocking around me. Hah! Take that!

Okay, I may have gone overboard with that (Asa pa ako, ‘di ba?). But really, I don’t mind the pain (I’m a masochist, remember?) but what I really can’t stand is the pagod. I tire easily as a result of 19 years of inactive and bum-like existence. Oh well. Maybe I should’ve joined a sport when I was a kid, or played patintero and habulan instead of Barbie dolls and lutu-lutuan. But looking back, I was this excruciatingly shy lampayatot who was always the saling-pusa (thus explaining my fondness, nay, obsession with cats) in every game, so you can’t exactly expect me to excel in sports. (Whoa, five, yep, count ‘em, five “ex-“ words in that sentence. Amazing. So what’s your point, Pau? *sardonic laugh*) Anyway, this is what I’m really regretting: trying to start being active so late in life. By late, I don’t mean my age (heck, I’m still young!), but late as in too late in changing my unhealthy habits and lifestyle. *sigh* I’m not even sure if I could follow thorough this gym ritual.

Hmm… Maybe I should also try eating healthier food. But where in Katipunan could I get inexpensive health food? The type that actually tastes like food and not cardboard. Oh well. Here’s to a healthier, more active life.

In other news, I have a new crush. Well, it’s not exactly new. I’ve been toying with this idea for a month or so already. But anyway, this guy and I know are quite close (Yes, it’s a guy. Some people might just bludgeon me to death if I talk about girls. Haha.). He’s far from being my ideal guy, but I can live with that. Beggars can’t be choosers, ya know? The problem is, I’m not his type. He likes drop-dead gorgeous girls, the kind who makes us wonder what happened to equality in this universe, and I’m definitely not like that.

I can’t blame him, though. Hell, if I were a guy, I’d also set my sights high. But I’m a girl, so I’m destined to wait until a guy makes the first move. And as much as I’d want to take matters into my own hands, I’d rather not. I don’t want to lose our “friendship,” not to mention my dignity. So much for my new prospect.

Goodness, this is just so sad. Three weeks left in this semester and I’m talking about gym and a guy. I have to get my head checked.

No, Andie, this entry is not specifically tailored for you to bash. I am really writing about my experiences here. Besides, I doubt that she ever needs to enroll in a gym. She probably has her own gym at home. And I also doubt that she ever has a problem getting any guy she wants. What do they see in her anyway? I swear, men are from an entirely different galaxy. As for the “punching blog” I told you about, maybe after the second sem, eh? I promise I’ll try to really get on your nerves. :p

I feel miserable. Unfortunately for you, dear readers, I also feel incoherent. I’m hoping that I would sound better towards the end of this piece. Here goes.

I often wonder why I am stubborn as hell. My parents would often tell me that my younger sister Nadya (who is turning 10 this October) and I react differently when they scold us. Nadya, being the malambing one, would cry for a while then proceed to sweet talk and embrace the angry parent. I, on the other hand, would hold back my tears as long as I could, sulk, and then give them the silent treatment. Only during the night, when everybody is already asleep, would I let myself cry. Thus, for Nadya, everything would be forgotten after a kiss or two. For me, however, my initial offense would be further aggravated by my unrelenting stubbornness. *sigh*

I guess I should be thankful for this trait, which could also be translated into doggedness (by the way, why is there no “cattedness?”), perseverance and determination. I mean, at least I know I won’t be a pushover, right? And I never give up easily. If I gave up on something, it means that it really is hopeless, or I’m already tired because I’ve done everything.

But I wish it had a switch, or a dial if you will, so that I can turn it on, off, high or low, as the need arises. Sometimes, I really feel that my stubbornness is causing me more grief than I could handle. I mean, there are things which I should be giving up already, but my stubborn side adamantly refuses to do so. I know I should be forgetting all my hang-ups and issues, but I just can’t. My mind knows that letting go is the right thing to do, but my heart keeps holding on. They’re two separate entities, my mind and my heart. They’re going in two different directions and it’s really tearing me apart. Proof? See my previous rant-fests and pathetic attempts at poetry. Maybe I should change the name of this blog into “misery.” Yuck, reminds me of this teeny-bopper pop boy band (said with all the disgust I could muster). “Miserable” na lang. Then I’ll post the lyrics of the song “Miserable” by Lit. Whatever.

Aargh! Can somebody please help me? Everybody has been telling me that it’s enough already, but can somebody actually teach me to let go? *sigh* Who would have thought that a mere infatuation could turn into a major heartache?

Living in a Ma-material World

I really want to write about this kid who is so materialistic. I swear, all this person ever thinks about is buying this and getting that. It’s as if this person is living in a fuzzy little world filled with stuff (words courtesy of Lorie). But I really couldn’t get into the grisly details, hell, I can’t even tell you if it’s a he or a she. This person might read this, get totally mad and wreak havoc in my life. It’s not that I care about other people’s opinion of me, but I’m in a lot of people’s hate list right now, and I’m not liking it. Again, I really don’t care if they talk behind my back, shred my reputation to pieces or give me the silent treatment. I’ll just laugh at their smug little faces, being the cold-hearted bitch that I am. But then, I am also a friendly user, and more people hating me would mean less I could ask favors from. Who knows, maybe in the future I could use Material Kid’s connections to get a job, a husband or whatever. Plus, I believe in karma.

But I digress. As I was saying (or griping), can Material Kid be any more materialistic? It makes me wonder, if half of the kids out there are as shallow as Material Kid, what would happen to our country? Will they ever pause to think about the poor children out in the streets selling sampaguitas, cigarettes, hell, maybe even their bodies? I mean, a bottle of Material Kid’s designer cologne probably could feed a family in Payatas for a week.

No, I’m not asking them to sell all their belongings and give the money to charity, or abandon their families to live among the vagrants. What I want is for them to stop being so self-absorbed and show even the faintest glimmer of concern for people who have lesser means. And I don’t mean donating for appearance’s sake, or because it seems to be the “in” thing to do. I want the genuine concern, the kind that really springs from the heart. Kusang-loob at taos-puso.

I admit that I am very self-centered. I could be as self-absorbed and shallow. I spend too much money whenever I’m in Starbucks or in the mall. I take the taxi even if I could take the jeep and MRT. But to my defense, I am very much concerned about the less fortunate, especially the children who do not deserve to be in the streets. I would always wonder why God would let these people suffer. And then I would think that I shouldn’t be blaming God, I should be blaming the rich people who has the power to help but remain unmoved by the abject poverty in our country. I should be blaming the rich who have more than what they need but want more. I should be blaming the rich who are becoming richer at the expense of the poor.

And then I realized that I shouldn’t be blaming anyone at all. That we should stop this finger-pointing and actually do something for our country. That we should start being concerned about others, because only genuine service to others can really give us fulfillment in our lives.

Oh my goodness, I have to stop this. I’m becoming more serious by the minute. See, Andi, you jinxed it. Oh well. I guess I really did learn something from Philosophy and Developmental Economics. And of course, St. Ignatius.

Anyway, back to Material Kid. Maybe I just don’t think that they deserve all that wealth. Maybe I’ve seen too much suffering in our country. Maybe I believe in Marx and Lenin when they advocated socialism.

Nah. I probably was only jealous.

Sometimes I wonder what would have been had I stuck it out in BS Math (BS by the way stands for bullshit). Don’t get me wrong, AB Economics is a fine course. I swear I learn new things everyday. But then in Eco, I really need to be constantly updated with what’s happening in the world, or with the Philippines at the very least. Not just with what’s currently happening, but with what has happened in the past as well. And knowing the helplessly oblivious self-centered freak that I am, that’s a tall order for me. Being a Math major would’ve been perfect for me – no need to stay in touch with the rest of the world, nothing but proving, solving and more proving. On second thought, knowing how illogical and irrational I could get (not to mention lazy), Math doesn’t seem to be the perfect course for me after all. Besides, I can’t exactly be oblivious to my immediate surroundings, and the aforementioned surroundings during my short stint as a Math major wasn’t exactly conducive to my survival.

Still there? You bored yet? I thought so too.

In other news, yesterday (9/14) was Athena’s birthday. Belated happy birthday, dear! *hug!* Haha. As if she’ll ever get across this blog.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised when a couple of people posted their comments. As I’ve said in my previous entries, I was beginning to think that no one, except perhaps the people I forced to, was actually reading this uber-pink blog. And here are two people telling me (and the rest of the world connected to the Web) that they do like my entries. Aww, shucks… *blushes* Thanks, hyannah and anonymous person (whoever you are). I’m so touched. So this is how it feels to get fan mail. *swoon* Haha, I’m just kidding. But really, thanks, guys. It’s nice to get words of encouragement once in a while. Jaja, thanks for dropping by. Andi, don’t jinx it, don’t jinx it! I might actually stop being miserable that I won’t be able to find anything to write about.

45 painful things

01. flashing your smile to someone you don't want to see
02. bringing back the feeling you've learned to forget
03. showing that you care
04. finding a way to mend a broken heart
05. learning that you've been used by someone you truly love
06. saying i love you when you mean it and when you don't
07. letting go of a person you've just learned to love
08. realizing that you love somebody you've just taken for granted
09. realizing that you love the person you've just broken up with
10. waiting for promises you know she or he'll never keep
11. saying your love for someone who loves somebody else
12. reminiscing the good times u shared together
13. shielding your heart to love somebody
14. trying to hide what you really feel
15. having a commitment w/ someone that you know would not last
16. trying to hide the tears that voluntarily fall from your eyes
17. sharing the one you love w/ someone else
18. loving a person too much
19. giving up someone you never thought of giving up
20. falling in love for the first time
21. loving someone you haven't seen
22. having the right love at the wrong time
23. exerting effort to make the relationship last or work
24. not being appreciated when you know you've given your best
25. taking the risk to fall in love again
26. hiding your relationship from someone else
27. controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend
28. choosing between two persons whom you really love
29. finding out that you can never have the person you just let go of
30. seeing the person you love with someone else
31. learning that the person who claimed to have loved you so much never really cared
32. seeing the one you love fall for someone else
33. falling for your best friend and knowing that things can never be the same again
34. learning to trust after you have been betrayed
35. accepting that it was not meant to be
36. smiling when all you want to do is cry
37. falling and knowing that it can never be
38. not being able to love the person who truly cares for you
39. saying that you can never love a person the way he loves you
40. hearing that he can never love you the way that you love him
41. saying that you are over someone you still love
42. being friends again and learning to let go of each other coz you both know it is better that way
43. convincing oneself that you are not in love when you know that you are
44. having to let go because you know that he deserves someone else
45. trying not to remember how perfect everything used to be

|||||

wow... spamming reinvented. i know this is worthless, but then again, my blog is worthless anyway, so why be so particular? aargh... this is nonsense.

wala lang. grabe, can relate talaga ako sa 45 things na ito. bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan, masasaktan.

angst-xiety

please stop breaking my heart.
please stop tormenting my thoughts.
please stop doing this to me.
please stop making me yearn for what I cannot have.
please stop making me love you more each day.

but how can you?
it’s like asking you to stop being yourself.

ah me! the folly of unrequited love. my heart bleeds.

i ache. i yearn. i long. i hope.
infinitely. tirelessly. silently.
yet for how much longer.
how much longer.

it’s a question i ask myself everyday.
and everyday i tell myself.

please stop letting him break your heart.
please stop thinking about him.
please stop doing this to yourself.
please stop yearning.
please stop loving.
please stop.

it’s not worth the pain.
it’s not worth the tears.
it’s not worth the wait.
not worth anything at all.

but I do not heed myself.
my heart still bleeds.

|||||

hahaha! please bear with my pathetic attempts at poetry. *sigh* the things i write when i'm miserable. :P

Christmas Lists

Christmas Wish List
(Christmas is but four months away, and it’s never too early to make a list!)
1. Peace on earth
2. Latin honors upon graduation
3. iPod (or any cool mp3 player)
4. Zire (or any cool personal digital assistant)
5. Laptop
6. The love of my life (the one who got away)

Let me clarify some things here. This is my wish list. In my world, wish is very different from want or need. Ponder for a minute on the statement “Wish ko lang!” in the StressTabs commercial, and the phrase “wishful thinking.” So the list above contains the things I fervently wish I have, but I’m 100% sure (redundant, yes, but I’m making a point here.) that they’re impossible to get. So why bother making this list of impossibles? Wala lang. It makes me feel a little bit better. Hopefully, my desire for these things would fade away after seeing them written down. Hopefully.

Actually, I also wanted to write down “trim and toned body with no stretchmarks” and “fair, milky complexion” pero huwag na lang. Not only would I be a selfish brat, I’d also be a vain one. Both of which are true, but let’s not rub that in. I want Santa to put me in his good boys and girls list. So there. Besides, they’re not really impossible to get. I just need patience and endurance to exercise and apply those whitening lotions. And money. Lots and lots of money. Are you reading this, Santa Claus?

Christmas want/need list
1. Laser printer (my pc is so lonely already)
2. New set of wardrobe (skirts, tops, pants, hell, even underwear!)
3. VCD/DVD’s of my favorite movies
4. Books (I’m trying to start a collection. Trying.)
5. Inuman all night long
6. High school yearbook (my high school batchmates would agree with me)

No, I’m not hinting at anyone to buy me these things. Although if you suddenly wanted to do me a favor and take me shopping, then by all means, do so. But really, no pressure here. As I said earlier, I’m hoping that every time I see these lists, my selfish desires would gradually subside. Here’s to a happy and meaningful Christmas season.

Some Random Things (Just so I can update this blog)

Lorie sent me a message a couple of days ago. Apparently, she read my gripe-filled post and liked it. Here’s how our text convo went.

Lorie: Hey, I read your rantfest and I liked it. Really. But I won’t bean you on the head with a baseball bat. I’ll just dunk your head in coffee. Or liquid prozac.
Me: (exclaiming aloud *How else can you exclaim?*) You liked it?! (in text) you really liked it? Are you serious? Or are you just doing a reverse psych on me?
Lorie: Sincere ako ya (I’m sincere). You’re funny when you’re miserable.
Me: Yeah. More coherent, too. Hey, can I call you?
Lorie: Karon lang when I get home (Call me later when I’m home). I’m still in school. I was hoping you’d call.
Me: OK. Just miss call me when you get home.

This was during the afternoon. She pseudo-called me at around 6pm. I call it pseudo-call because you let the other party’s phone ring but hang up before she answers, so it’s not really a call. (On second thought, you could just be a loser stalking your crush. But moving on…) Besides, “miss call” is so incorrect. Anyway, I only got to call her later in the evening, and only after getting another pseudo-call from her. So we talked for almost two hours. We would have talked longer if it weren’t for her 9am class the next day. And my mother would kill me once she sees my bill. The Inquistion would go like this:

Nanay : Why did you call Lorie? What was so important that you have to call her three times in succession?
Me: We were just catching up. I just needed someone to talk to.
Nanay: But why didn’t you just call us?

As if! Like they would understand. Like they would even listen to me. Anyway, at this point, I would shrug my shoulders and hopefully Nanay would drop it. Maybe I should just tell them I was doing that (exceeding my line’s credit limit by calling and sending messages to everyone except my parents) so that they won’t renew my line and switch me to prepaid instead. After all, I would reason, we already have three lines in the house. They could call me anytime they want. But of course they wouldn’t do that to their beloved elder daughter.

Then again, with the impending financial crisis, who knows? Three org mates of mine, who shall remain nameless, pooled their baon for the day and shared two plates of bibingka (yes, they sell bibingka, even palitaw, kwek-kwek and puto bumbong in the caf) costing a grand total of P70. One of them said, “Ang hirap na talaga ng Pilipinas. Atenista na tayo n’yan ha?” Imagine how the families in the lower classes are living now. And I’m not trying to be an elitist or conio here.

But, I digress. Back to Lorie. I was really surprised that she liked my gripe-filled post. I thought that she wouldn’t read further upon seeing the disclaimer. Actually, that disclaimer was really intended for her, because I know how she would sometimes hate hearing me rant and gripe.

Anyway, it seems that only Lorie and Andrea are actually reading this blog regualrly. Or at least brave (or bored. Is this the case, Andie?) enough to comment. Nobody reads my posts. Nobody wuvs me. *sob!* Or maybe the stuff I write is too boring. Oh well. As the 3D text in my screensaver says, life sucks.

In other news, I bought Stephen King’s Carrie the other day. I haven’t read it yet though, because I lent it to Angela. Also, Arlene lent me her Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles (Volume 1) and I wanted to finish it first. If I like both authors, I probably would start collecting their books.

Actually, a few years ago (man, saying that makes me feel so old), I wanted to start a Sidney Sheldon collection. I wanted to collect the earlier editions but they’re difficult to find. What the NBS have in stock are the new editions which have pictures of women in various costumes and poses. Looks sexist for me. Then I realized that Sheldon’s books have the same structure and twist so I gave it up. Besides, I already read them all so why bother? (Michael Gialogo lost my copy of “If Tomorrow Comes.” If you see him, please tell him to buy me another copy. I really love that book. And if he feigns innocence, tell him that I believe in karma and hope he turns into a bookmark in his next life.)

Here are the new things I learned for the past two weeks:
1. in BPI, gold cardholders do not have to maintain a minimum balance,
2. Lenin applied and deepened Marx’s theories of socialism,
3. wma files are smaller than mp3 files, but mp3s have better quality than wma, and
4. Cindy Kurleto looks absolutely divine as my desktop’s wallpaper.

How random. Anyway, I’d like to end this post with a quote which really inspired me. I only hope that I came across this sooner so that I could have written it in my profile for my college yearbook.

"Faith is not knowledge of what the mystery of the universe is, but the conviction that there is a mystery, and it is greater than us." – Rabbi David Wolpe, Making Loss Matter