Malditang manhid, that’s me. It used to be malditang martir, but I realized that was stupid. Being a maldita worked for me, but martyrdom rubbed me the wrong way. So I took a few steps back and aimed for being insensitive instead. Wasn’t so difficult. Many have wondered how I managed to remain strong even as I suffer, indifferent even as I inflict pain. I was malditang manhid extraordinaire.

But wait. Am I really this insensitive? Have I turned into a cold, manipulative monster? Have I really forgotten all the heartaches in my past? Or am I just afraid to show how vulnerable I could be?

Malditang manhid, that’s me. But underneath, maybe I am just scared to be hurt again.

i want a new phone, dammit. my trusty N6210 is still working, but it's just so damn old. and you can't spell "trusty" without "rusty." oh well.

there's a promo in smart where we could avail new phones when we renew our plans, but of course i can't have the latest model. my father, being the man of the house, already beat me to it. he's getting the N3230, with 1.3 megapixel camera, 50 minutes of video recording, mms, bluetooth and IR capable, and loads of other cool stuff. and i have to make do with a model that doesn't even have half of those features. aargh. i'm turning green with envy.

do i sound like a materialistic bitch na? well, forgive me for being so. i wouldn't have been stuck with my mother's old N6210 if my N3530 hadn't been stolen more than a year ago. i could still remember the exact place, date and time, in asg room, december 5, 2003, at around 2 pm. nyargh. that darn thief. i already have a suspect in mind, but i can't prove it, of course. i'll just let things run their course and hope that he gets the karma that he deserves.

in other news, i'm scared. i'm getting old. dammit. i should stop watching telenovelas with oh-so-happy endings. it's so frustrating.

hmm... but i should end on a happy note. lemme see... oh, back to the cellphones. at least i'm getting a new one, even if it's not the latest model. my mother will agree to get any model i want, as long as we wouldn't have to shell out money for it. malabo ba? basta, there's a promo nga e. so i should be happy with that.

happy birthday, vanny, jopaw, lester. too bad i missed your birthday bash. there will always be a next time, di ba?

and on a happier note, raissa is very happy with her life right now. and being her utol and "S.O." (that's "secret on" for you), i'm happy for her as well. happy happy happy.

sad news

Louis Leithold died a few weeks ago. He was 80 years old. For those who don't know him, he wrote The Calculus, one of the most (if not the most) widely used textbook in universities and high schools worldwide. (news snagged from Kerwin's site) We used The Calculus with Algebra and Geometry (nicknamed TCWAG, pronounced as T-C-wag) back in high school. I encountered Pareng Louis again during college, while I was still taking up Math and our standard textbook was The Calculus with the weird space-inspired cover design. I think it's the seventh edition, but I'm not sure. I have to check our book shelves.

Yes, I still have it. It's the only Math-related book I kept (I think) after shifting out of BS Math. I didn't want to throw the book away (the idea is too horrible) or sell it to the lowerclassmen. I figured it was one of those books that might come in handy in the future. Who knows, if I'm bored, maybe I'll crack it open and try to study it again. Or maybe if I'm bored and desperate.

Oops. Am I disrespecting the dead? Sorry. Anyway, may God bless his soul. He's probably enjoying Math Heaven, drinking (what do mathematicians drink, anyway? Coffee? Tea? Beer? Wine?) whatever and talking with other geniuses like Fermat, Pythagoras and Nash (if he's not in the Economics Heaven, that is).

Beauty Madness

I bought the latest edition of Preview Magazine a week ago. And I just finished marking the cosmetic products I like. Not that I could afford them. I mean, a lip gloss for a thousand bucks? Eye shadow for three thousand? Even if they’re from Shu Uemura, their prices are pretty extravagant. (Besides, maybe I don’t need eye shadow. The area around my eyes are dark, so people sometimes ask me if I’m wearing make up. Concealer na lang siguro. *hint hint*) On the other hand, I don’t think I could afford even the cheaper products. *sigh* Being unemployed sucks. I couldn’t even shell out a few hundred bucks for my vanity.

Wait up. This is not just vanity. I need to look good during job interviews and stuff. As my mother told me a couple of days ago, after staring at my face intently, “Anak, magpaganda ka!” so that my chances of getting hired would go up. This got me thinking, do I have the face that even a mother couldn’t love? *sob!*

Anyway, make up can indeed do wonders. I was one of the usherettes in a Mother’s Day dinner-concert that my parents took part in organizing. Of course, I had to spruce myself up a bit, so I aside from a nice blouse and a pair of slacks, I also wore make up (which I got from my oh-so-generous aunt). As you know, Kalibo is a small town, so most of the people know everybody else. One of the guests I was accompanying was a family acquaintance, and she stopped by mother’s table to chat. The guest told my mother, “Maganda pala itong anak mo!” She [the guest] added that she didn’t recognize me (and *ahem* my beauty) at first because she always saw me in jeans and loose shirts. Later, when I recounted to Ica what happened, she teasingly said, “That’s just a little dolling up. Imagine what a little more can do!” *sigh* it’s nice to be appreciated once in a while. Especially if that once in a while comes after a long long while.

And, as Tita Lynne, another family friend, said, at least it wasn’t, “Ay, akala ko maganda ka; pangit ka pala!”

snagged this from ate pj

(I made some changes...)

THIRTEEN RANDOM THINGS YOU LIKE:
13. Cindy Kurleto :D
12. Lualhati Bautista’s books
11. the layered haircut I had a few years back
10. Nivea lip gloss in Strawberry
9. Pugad Baboy
8. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
7. Bamboos in the Wind (a novel about the pre-Martial law years)
6. white roses
5. the beach
4. Garfield
3. cold rainy days (and nights. So nice to sleep until the rain stops)
2. dark chocolate
1. having a baby fall asleep in your arms

TWELVE GREAT MOVIES
12. Centerstage (one of my greatest frustration in life is ballet)
11. Amelie
10. Cruel Intentions (the first one; mainly because of its soundtrack.)
9. Lord of the Rings trilogy (to save slots. hehe :D)
8. End of the Affair (I love Julianne Moore!)
7. The Matrix (the first one)
6. Schindler’s List
5. Ringu
4. Life is Beautiful (La Vita e Bella)
3. Monster’s, Inc.
2. Mulan (the first one. Its sequel went straight to the home video, I think.)
1. American Beauty

ELEVEN GOOD BANDS/ARTISTS
11. Cynthia Alexander
10. The Beatles (even if I don’t particularly listen to them, I can’t deny that they’re really good.)9. Lea Salonga
8. Andrea Boticelli
7. Josh Groban
6. Oasis
5. Red Hot Chili Peppers
4. Sarah Geromino
3. Kyla (really really amazing voice. her songs are cheesy, though.)
2. Bituin Escalante
1. Gary Valenciano

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU
10. My hair is always short, never going past my shoulders
9. My right eye has a significantly higher grade (200) than my left (only 50), probably because of number (8)
8. My left eye can’t move to the extreme left. This is because of Duane’s Retraction Syndrome, where a nerve in my left eye is damaged. I’ve had it since birth.
7. I have a tendency to have weird crushes. The only example I can come up now is Mike “Pekto” Nacua, a comedian in Nuts Entertainment and Wow Mali, among others.
6. I have never flown a kite nor learned how to ride a bike.
5. I’m terribly shy, hence, I do better in intimate gatherings than in large groups
4. A part of my heart is in Norway. *sniff* My friends in Tugon should know why.
3. I’m going through a crisis… I don’t know where I belong!
2. I just found out that I’m a controlling person. Very controlling indeed.
1. Single but committed to somebody. Weird ba?

NINE FRIENDS NUNG KABATAAN
9. Irene
8. Georgina
7. Catherine
6. Joebelle
5. Lily
4. Apple
3. Maureen
2. Shirley
1. Katie
(These were my friends and playmates while we were still living in Manila. I’ve lost touch with most of them. The others, well, only on a hi-how are you-goodbye basis.)

EIGHT FAVORITE FOODS/DRINKS
8. San Mig Light :)
7. corn
6. Starbucks Iced Chocolate
5. Starbucks Peppermint Mocha
4. Red Iced Tea from Tokyo Tokyo
3. Tekka Maki from Tokyo Tokyo
2. Strawberry Cheesecake
1. Dark Chocolate (Meiji and Toblerone!)

SEVEN THINGS YOU WEAR DAILY (aside from clothes)
7. eyeglasses
6. footwear (depending on the occasion)
5. lotion (current: Block and White Ultima Whitening)
4. deodorant (can’t think of anything else)
3. toner and/or moisturizer (face)
2. ponytail (to tame my flyaway hair)
1. masks (figuratively speaking; psychological)

SIX THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY
6. watching a good movie
5. reading a good book
4. seeing cats (mine or otherwise… in the flesh or in pictures/videos)
3. feeling a cat purr while I stroke its neck
2. having a nice golden tan (which I don’t have right now. Hmph.)
1. watching my baby brother playing and having fun

FIVE SHOWS YOU WATCH
5. any interesting show in Discovery Channel, National Geographic or Animal Planet
4. Alias (I love Sidney/Jennifer!)
3. Late Night with Conan O’Brien
2. Nuts Entertainment
1. Bubble Gang

FOUR THINGS THAT IRRITATE YOU
4. ABS-CBN copying every other show or concept from GMA (or international networks. Kamao is just a rip-off of The Contender)
3. corrupt government officials (and the fact that we can’t seem to do anything about it)
2. people who think too highly of themselves; pretentious, “plastic” people
1. nosy people, gossipmongers. Mind your own business, dammit!

THREE CELEBRITIES YOU ADMIRE
3. Alex Da Rossi
2. Vic Sotto (tagal na sa showbiz! Grabe charisma!)
1. Julia Roberts

TWO PEOPLE ON FRIENDSTER WHOM YOU INVITED FIRST: I can’t remember :D

ONE GREATEST FEAR IN LIFE: that no one would know me enough to write a good (and accurate) eulogy on my funeral

just dropping by

nothing important. (as if anything of importance is written in this blog. oh well.) i just want to tell everyone that my current obsessions are as follows:

>my baby brother. see his pictures in my multiply account

>badminton. yes, i finally found a sport i can play without looking like an idiot. come to think of it, hitting (shuttle)cocks is more enjoyable than playing with balls.

>my pet fish. i have seven tiger barbs in the aquarium and three guppies in the fish bowl.

>and last, but definitely not the least, my pet cats. MIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!

au revoir!

who am i kidding? my tan is horrible. it's not even pantay. aargh.

this has got to be the worst summer of my life. i'm stuck here at home. wait, i don't have a home. this is just the house that my family (and other relatives) lives in. i don't belong here. frankly, i don't know where i'm supposed to belong. oh sick sad world.

i want to be anywhere but here. preferably in manila where all my friends and everything's that's familiar to me are. i was set to go next week to help out in a trade fair, but as my luck would have it, my parents and aunt changed their minds. i am now to stay here, as a bantay in the office in the morning and yaya to my younger siblings in the afternoon (and night). dammit.

if i'm still here by late june, i'm gonna stage a coup. i swear i will.

boracay

Just came from Boracay. Some cousins from my mother’s side came over to visit, and naturally the world-famous beach was in the itinerary. But I think I overdid my tan this time. The skin on my upper arms are so mahapdi (how do you say that in English anyway? And I applied sun block!). The rest of my body is okay naman (with my butterfly henna tattoo on my right shoulder blade. Yeah!), although I’m a bit darker than I expected. Not to worry. I already bought skin whitening lotion even before we went to Bora. Haha. Walking contradiction ba ang dating? Magpapaitim sa beach and then magpapaputi pagkatapos? I’m just trying to even out the skin color of my arms. :D

Hmm… Henna tattoo is so last year na pala. The in thing now is the hair braid. My cousin paid 500+ bucks to have her hair braided. Pretty expensive, even if it took three hours to do her waist-length hair. The things people do to earn money.

*sigh* It’s gonna be another year before I set foot on Boracay again. Even if I live in Kalibo, I can’t go there regularly. I’m not a Boracay-whore, as Raya Mananquil wrote in Inquirer a few weeks back. My mother and I have this private joke (not so private anymore) that we could go to Boracay anytime we don’t want. Kung kalian namin gusto, bawal pumunta. So there. Everyone’s busy in this house kasi, so we don’t have time for “frivolities” like that. My father couldn’t understand why we really want, nay, desire to go to Boracay. It would always be there, he tells us, so why go there when there’s still a lot of work to do? Yun na nga e! It’s so near, that’s why we take it for granted na. We have to wait for guests na sasamahan namin sa Boracay. Otherwise, it’s a no-go from the Master of all KJ and Party Poopers aka my father. Grr.

Although Boracay’s getting crowded and dirty na. Commercialized na kasi. Super daming tao, super daming waste (as in piss and poo), super daming lumot. Eew. Tsk tsk. People should take steps to conserve Boracay. And I’m not just talking about the locals but the visitors as well. Boracay’s not gonna be beautiful for long if they keep this up. In five years or so, it’s gonna be ugly and polluted, and tourism in Aklan might die with it. *sigh*