normal schnormal

I am angry and I don’t know why. I’ve vented it out on our dog and on the glasses I was washing earlier. I do not ordinarily resort to animal cruelty (unless you consider smothering them with affection cruelty) and I’m usually careful when doing the dishes, but I haven’t been feeling normal lately either. Nothing in my life is going the way I want it to be. Everything just sucks, from the moment I wake up (which is around noon) to the moment I lay my head on my pillow. I’m starting to think that everyone and everything, including my dry frizzy hair, are conspiring against me. But then we all know that’s not true. I mean, why should they waste their time thinking of ways to torture me when they can just ignore me? The outcome is the same, so why bother? Who am I to merit such attention?

I’m either undergoing post-graduation depression, some sort of identity crisis, or an imbalance in my hormones. No, I’m not suicidal nor tempted to self-mutilate again. Not because I don’t want to, mind you, but because such actions are not feasible in this house. You see, my aunt’s meat processing plant is right next to our house, so our place is rarely empty. Up front is the office and selling area, so there would always be people there. At the back would be the kitchens and dining areas (we have two each, one for the workers and another for our family), and our workers hang around there during break time. It’s usually empty inside the house during the day, save for meal times and when one of our staff comes in to look for my parents or my aunt. Blah blah blah. Come and visit me here so you’d see, eh?

I guess it’s this house that’s driving me crazy. There are just so many people doing so many things that my internal balance is thrown, well, off balance. Maybe eight years of living away from home taught me twisted kinds of independence and autonomy. I’m still dependent on my parents and aunts for food and money, but aside from those, I want nothing to do with these oldies. I hate it when they order me around, especially when I’m in the middle of something, or when I’m about to do something. I hate it when I have to take my meals at certain times, and I can’t ask for anything else when I don’t like the ulam. I hate it when I have to take my sister to her summer class everyday, and that I have to watch my baby brother at dusk because his yaya has to go home. I hate it when I have to wake up earlier than I would have wanted. I hate it when I have to wait for my turn to use the bathroom, and that I have to take a bath quickly because somebody else is going to use it. I hate it when I can’t the surf the internet whenever and for as long as I want because all our phone lines are used for the business. I hate it here, dammit.

I’m so used to living on my own that I can’t stand living with my family anymore. For eight years I was my own boss, doing whatever and whenever I please. I had roommates, yes, but that was of no consequence. The worst that could happen was the silent treatment, and it wasn’t that dreadful. In contrast, I don’t think I could last another week in this house. I want to go back to Manila, to my pseudo-independent existence, but then again, what am I going to do there? It’s not as if a job is already waiting there for me. Oh dear. I need help fast. I feel like a volcano about to erupt. And to think I went home so I can relax before plunging into unemployment. This is exactly what I predicted, that my jobless state would just ruin this summer.

Somebody please take me to the beach. Or a mental institution.

snip snip snippets

These are the stuff that’s been on my mind lately. They’re mainly bits and pieces of the recent happenings in my life, so they don’t really have a flow. Para naman hindi lang results ng quizzes yung nababasa nyo. And to think Creative Writing was one of my choices of course to shift into. Writing, maybe. Creative, no. Hmm… And instead of the incredibly looooong entry I posted earlier, I split the thing into several posts.

I want to go to a retreat. I really need to do some soul-searching before I go back to Manila. I wonder if silent retreats are offered here in Aklan.

I’m having second thoughts on working in Manila, though. On one hand, where else could I find good employment opportunities? Abroad perhaps, but I don’t want to end up taking care of some cranky old guy. On the other hand, competition in Metro Manila is pretty stiff. Also, its population has been skyrocketing with the massive influx of people from the provinces. I was hoping that I won’t to add to the congestion. I believe that our country should try to decentralize, i.e., economic activity and development should not be focused on a few cities. There are scores of other towns and cities that need to be developed. Graduates hailing from provinces like me ought to stay put and improve our respective hometowns. But then again… *sigh* The internal debate continues. Serves me right for not going to any one of the retreats offered by Ateneo last March.

I had my hair trimmed last week. I was tempted to tell the hairstylist to chop off a couple of inches or so, but I stopped myself because I knew I’d regret it later. You see, I’m trying to grow out my hair but I hate having to go through this awkward length. I wish I could go back to my short ‘do, but I also want to experience having long hair at least once in my life. Do you know that the length of my hair has never gone below my shoulders yet? Hmm… Is this sudden determination to have long hair a sign of my female hormones finally kicking in?

I bought three tiger barbs a couple of days ago. That’s a kind of tropical fish, if you still don’t know. They’re small and light brown, with four dark vertical stripes on their sides. Two of them died last week. They're in the freezer right now, awaiting burial. Don’t worry, it can’t be mistaken as ulam because I placed it inside a box of matches. Oh, and we’re planning to buy an aquarium (complete with aerator, filter and the customary miniature castle). But my younger sister, Nadya, and I have to use our own money. So we have to “work” in our family business. *sigh* My first taste of “independence” in the “real world.”

Nadya actually has more money, whether in the wallet or in the bank, than I have. And to think she’s ten years younger than I am.

By the way, she’s taking Math and Science classes that her school is offering this summer. It’s not because she failed or did poorly during the school year. She actually won a couple of Math contests already. District level nga lang, but she’s quite good. And this is not just the proud sister talking. Gahd, aren’t we a bunch of nerds.

But for all her potential, she has one shortcoming: she hates reading. She actually got sleepy after reading a page of Nancy Drew. (To her credit, it wasn’t really that interesting. Nevertheless…) So what’s wrong with that, you ask. A lot. How is she suppose to know important stuff when she won’t read anything other than her textbooks? How is she suppose to pass her entrance exams when her vocabulary is miserable and her reading skills are next to zero? Besides, reading is a way better than sitting in front of the idiot box all day. What is wrong with kids nowadays? Don’t they know that if they don’t read, they’re gonna grow up bobo? Sheesh.

Two cousins (one from each side of the family) gave me lipstick and foundation as graduation gifts. My tita also gave me the lipstick and foundation from her balikbayan amiga. But the lipsticks do not flatter my skin color, though, and I have yet to master the art of applying foundation. Next items on the kikay list: blush and eye make-up. *hint hint*

Because jobhunting would be my favorite pastime during the upcoming months, I need to overhaul my wardrobe. I couldn’t very well go to the offices in Ayala wearing t-shirt and maong. I’ve started to shop around for, and boy, do I have the worst luck in slacks. I’m beginning to think that having long legs is a curse. I know it sounds mayabang. My legs aren’t even *that* long. Besides, long legs are assets, so what am I complaining about? You’ll probably want to bonk me on the head now. I’m really sorry, but you have to put yourself in my shoes. I get frustrated every time I try on a pair of slacks. The cut would be all right, nice fit on the waist and thighs, but the length would always be wrong. It would be bitin, therefore I couldn’t wear shoes with heels because I’d look ridiculous. And that’s minus pogi, er, ganda points during qualifying exams and interviews. I’ve spent hours in malls looking for slacks with the right length, and so far, I’ve only found one. I can’t very well use that every time I go jobhunting. I mean, I have to give the poor thing a rest once in a while.

I should have gone to UP. I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO UP!!! No offense to Ateneo, but maybe UP could have taught me a thing or two.

I was reading Everything’s Eventual by Stephen King last month. (Sorry, delayed reaction ito.) This book is a collection of 14 short stories from the master of dark tales. “Autopsy Room No. 4” and “That Feeling, You Could Only Say It in French” were surreal, and “The Road Virus Heads North” and “1408” were absolutely spine-tingling. I couldn’t stop reading the damn book even if I was scared shitless already. I told Andie that it made my heart go thudthudthud and my hands shake. Sometimes I just had to put the book down and take deep breaths to calm my nerves. But I just couldn’t put it away. The stories won’t let me. I’d rather read the book to the very end and know what King had in mind for each story, than let my overactive imagination concoct its own ending. *sigh* I wish I had half of King’s knack for storytelling.

I am such a night owl. I rarely get to bed before midnight. It’s almost 2:30 am as I write this. Darn, I need to adjust my sleeping habits. That means I need to get everything done during the day so I could sleep earlier. But then again, I noticed that I’m sluggish during the day and active at night. When the house is quiet and everyone’s asleep, my energy level shoots up and I could do whatever I want to do. But when everyone’s awake and the house is bursting with activity, I become slow and unproductive. It seems that people around me drain me of energy. Or there are just so many people in the house during the day that I don’t want to get in the way of things. Or maybe I’m just lazy.

Posting this from home :D

Quick updates lang. I promise I’ll post a full-fledged entry soon. :D I can’t say I’m really busy; heck, it’s vacation already, for crying out loud. I’m just too lazy to churn out something relatively serious.

Update #1: Graduate na ako!!! Woo-hoo!!! After 16 or so years, I can finally stop going to school. Although I still have no idea what to do with my life rigt now. Blogging and bumming more likely.

Update #2: My first rejection letter came a few weeks back. Yep, UP School of Economics rejected me. *sob!!!* I really wanted to pursue further studies first before plummeting into the “real world,” but it’s not meant to be. So I guess I’ll be joining the unemployed earlier than I expected. Hmm… why not apply in other schools, you ask? It’s kinda late already. Besides, I really want to go to UP because I heard their school of Economics is one of the best, if not THE best, in the country. No offense to Ateneo Eco Department.

Update #3: Cutie Pie is already taken! *double sob!!!* Can you hear my heart gasping in pain and breaking into a million jagged pieces? No? Good. Because it’s not. Of course I was a little bit surprised, and a little bit hurt. After all, she was my obsession for quite some time. But being heartbroken over a silly infatuation is kinda going over the top, even for someone like me. Besides, we’ve lost contact na, and I did mention na hopeless na ako sa kanya because of that hullabaloo with my screwed-up ex #2? So there. Now I’m looking for someone new to obsess about. Any suggestions?

Update #4: I’m home sweet home in Aklan. Ahh… Fresh air, free food, no teachers nor assignments, and of course, no direction in life. Oh well. I shall live the glorious glorious life of a bum for a month or so. Then I shall have to return to the dusty polluted shithole that is called Metro Manila to look for a job. Hehe. In the meantime, anyone wants to go to Boracay with me? Call me.

Well, that’s basically it. Excuse me while I go check my Friendster account and read all the blogs in Blogspot.