I feel miserable. Unfortunately for you, dear readers, I also feel incoherent. I’m hoping that I would sound better towards the end of this piece. Here goes.

I often wonder why I am stubborn as hell. My parents would often tell me that my younger sister Nadya (who is turning 10 this October) and I react differently when they scold us. Nadya, being the malambing one, would cry for a while then proceed to sweet talk and embrace the angry parent. I, on the other hand, would hold back my tears as long as I could, sulk, and then give them the silent treatment. Only during the night, when everybody is already asleep, would I let myself cry. Thus, for Nadya, everything would be forgotten after a kiss or two. For me, however, my initial offense would be further aggravated by my unrelenting stubbornness. *sigh*

I guess I should be thankful for this trait, which could also be translated into doggedness (by the way, why is there no “cattedness?”), perseverance and determination. I mean, at least I know I won’t be a pushover, right? And I never give up easily. If I gave up on something, it means that it really is hopeless, or I’m already tired because I’ve done everything.

But I wish it had a switch, or a dial if you will, so that I can turn it on, off, high or low, as the need arises. Sometimes, I really feel that my stubbornness is causing me more grief than I could handle. I mean, there are things which I should be giving up already, but my stubborn side adamantly refuses to do so. I know I should be forgetting all my hang-ups and issues, but I just can’t. My mind knows that letting go is the right thing to do, but my heart keeps holding on. They’re two separate entities, my mind and my heart. They’re going in two different directions and it’s really tearing me apart. Proof? See my previous rant-fests and pathetic attempts at poetry. Maybe I should change the name of this blog into “misery.” Yuck, reminds me of this teeny-bopper pop boy band (said with all the disgust I could muster). “Miserable” na lang. Then I’ll post the lyrics of the song “Miserable” by Lit. Whatever.

Aargh! Can somebody please help me? Everybody has been telling me that it’s enough already, but can somebody actually teach me to let go? *sigh* Who would have thought that a mere infatuation could turn into a major heartache?