That’s it. Last sem break, I realized that I’ve had enough. I’m swearing off guys (and girls)… for the time being. Why? Guys, for all their stupidity, are such complex and dense creatures that I’m tired of analyzing already. Girls, on the other hand, are forbidden fruits. They’re not quite right, yet I’m really tempted to take a bite. Well, I already had taken a bite, and although it tasted sour and bittersweet, I’m still willing to take another one. But just not now. For the nth time, I’m going to tell myself to focus on my academics. After all, it is my last semester. Not that I’m running for honors or something like that (asa pa ko!), but let’s just say that this is my huling hirit at being a “good” student.
Although, there is one person who could make me take these all back, but he’s out of reach. Our little affair ended so long ago, yet I still yearn for him. He doesn’t know that I still have feelings for him, though, because he thinks that I have already given him up and moved on. Oh, well. Johnny Depp, my darling, you’ll always be in my heart. Bear in mind that I have forgiven you when you left me for those Hollywood floozies and bimbos and airheads. You’re more than welcome to come back to me. I’ll be waiting with open arms. *sigh*
Haha. Do forgive me. That was the obsessed fan in me talking. But really, maybe somebody might come along and make me take these all back. However, considering the state of my lovelife nowadays, I highly doubt that.
Saturday, October 30
Friday, October 29
an attempt at poetry
I wrote this poem a few years back, either during my senior year in high school or the summer before I entered college. It kind of left my mind some time later, until I found it again among piles of old notebooks and other junk while I was cleaning out my dorm. It’s a juvenile attempt at poetry, seeing that I really tried to make the words rhyme and was strict with the number of syllables per line. I did fix a few lines while I was typing it, so it’s not really the original thing. Without further ado –
Awakening
The moon had long traveled
The clear night sky, and soon
The golden sun shall rise
In the east horizon.
But here I am, awake
Tossing, turning in bed.
Sleep, elusive tonight,
So sleep I try to fake.
Happy scenes play in my mind –
Two of us talking, laughing,
Remembering how we walked
In that magical evening.
How could I have been deaf
To my heart beating your name?
Was I asleep when Cupid
Breathed love into my spirit?
I guess I was deaf and asleep.
But now my ears hear clearly
And sleep has long fled my eyes.
When clear as daylight I saw love.
Oh the pain I now feel
Not knowing what to do
I see I do love you
But I have lost you forever.
Funny how prophetic this poem would become. I do know that while I was writing this a few years ago, I wasn’t exactly feeling the “emotions” I was describing. In fact, I was just feeling a teensy bit romantic and daydreaming about the future. Well, Pau, no need to daydream now. It’s happening right now, right there inside you.
*sigh* Sometimes, people just make the most stupid mistakes that they would regret for the rest of their lives. Then they realize that regretting would only make their lives more miserable, but they just can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I, for one, cannot forgive myself for that big mistake I’ve made. Other people could be lucky, though; they could still fix whatever mess they’ve made. But in my case, it’s hopeless. And I’m slowly sinking into the pits of despair.
But on the bright side, if I continue to be as miserable, maybe I could write better poems. Stories, even. Who knows, I might just get a Palanca Award or a Nobel Prize. Or maybe not.
Sing with me now. I’ll just keep on dreaming/`Til my heartaches end...
Awakening
The moon had long traveled
The clear night sky, and soon
The golden sun shall rise
In the east horizon.
But here I am, awake
Tossing, turning in bed.
Sleep, elusive tonight,
So sleep I try to fake.
Happy scenes play in my mind –
Two of us talking, laughing,
Remembering how we walked
In that magical evening.
How could I have been deaf
To my heart beating your name?
Was I asleep when Cupid
Breathed love into my spirit?
I guess I was deaf and asleep.
But now my ears hear clearly
And sleep has long fled my eyes.
When clear as daylight I saw love.
Oh the pain I now feel
Not knowing what to do
I see I do love you
But I have lost you forever.
Funny how prophetic this poem would become. I do know that while I was writing this a few years ago, I wasn’t exactly feeling the “emotions” I was describing. In fact, I was just feeling a teensy bit romantic and daydreaming about the future. Well, Pau, no need to daydream now. It’s happening right now, right there inside you.
*sigh* Sometimes, people just make the most stupid mistakes that they would regret for the rest of their lives. Then they realize that regretting would only make their lives more miserable, but they just can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I, for one, cannot forgive myself for that big mistake I’ve made. Other people could be lucky, though; they could still fix whatever mess they’ve made. But in my case, it’s hopeless. And I’m slowly sinking into the pits of despair.
But on the bright side, if I continue to be as miserable, maybe I could write better poems. Stories, even. Who knows, I might just get a Palanca Award or a Nobel Prize. Or maybe not.
Sing with me now. I’ll just keep on dreaming/`Til my heartaches end...
Thursday, October 28
i'm baaaaaaack!!!
Our semestral break is about to end and I’m back in dorm here in Katipunan, back in dirty polluted Metro Manila. Sucks, I know, but in the pursuit of higher learning and wisdom, one must make sacrifices. Yeah. Whatever.
Anyway, updates, updates, updates. I just found out the two worst things that could happen to you when going to the beach. The first is accidentally leaving your towel at home. The second is getting horrendously sick while in tropical paradise. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to guess that both happened to me when I went to Boracay last weekend. But I still had fun, though. I mean, I was in the beach. What more could a water baby like me ask for?
Nanay told me about the first time they took me to the sea. It was in Subic, and I was still a toddler then. I was really scared at first, but I eventually got used to the water. I enjoyed it so much that, if my mother is to be believed, she had to pretend she was bitten by a crab to get me out of the water.
Anyway, I just realized that I half hate and half love Boracay. It’s an amazingly beautiful island, and I’m not saying that just because I’m from Aklan. I’m really proud of my province, unlike some people out there, considering they were born and bred in that province. I was born in Manila, spent my childhood in Manila, am back in Manila to study, but Kalibo holds my heart. The pretentious ones out there seem to turn their back to their beloved hometown because they want to be bona fide Manileños and Manileñas. They try to be oh so cool and oh so hip and oh so urbane, but believe me, beneath all their designer clothes and haughty looks, there lurks the insecure promdi. Oooh, you’d say. Pau is being bitter and envious again. So what else is new? But I digress.
I love Boracay for all its beauty, but it is gradually becoming commercial. “Own a piece of paradise!” invites one of the flyers of a real estate agency selling land in the interior of the island. And I heard that some big-shot oil company is planning to put up a gas station there. It would bring profit, more jobs, and a plethora of other benefits, I know. I’ve nothing against progress, but the existence of a gas station would encourage people to bring in more cars, tricycles, trucks, etc. More vehicles, more pollution. Beach paradise and capitalism just don’t go together.
I love Boracay during the day, when the sun is warming the white sand and blue waters. When kids are splashing in the water and couples are walking by the beach. When the soft sea breeze comes and all your worries just seem to float away (except when I found out that Cabral will fail me in Calculus. I was talking to him over the phone, asking him to please lower the cut off mark again so that I could get a D instead. He showed no mercy.) But when the sun sets, a different set of people roam the streets. Boracay is a great party place, but I hate seeing sunburned foreigners guzzling beer and getting very intimate with a scantily clad native woman who obviously is just a pampalipas-oras, if you get what I mean. I don’t know, but it strikes me as vulgar and obscene. I feel raped, abused, taken advantaged of, even if it’s not really my neck that’s being wrapped around with a big hairy arm.
Denden pointed out over lunch that there is flesh trade here in Manila, and sometimes it’s even worse. But I haven’t seen anyone plying her (or his) trade here yet, and I intend to keep it that way. Besides, Boracay is my paradise and I want it unsullied by the evils of our society.
Anyway, lest I get carried away, another update. Our much-awaited high school yearbook is out! After waiting for more than three years, our batch could finally get a copy of this important memento of our stay in Pisay. Was it worth the wait? I really can’t answer that because I’m a part of the yearbook committee myself so I’d be biased. I did see a few errors here and there, but it is nevertheless nice and well-written (ahem ahem. Hehe, just kidding!) I especially liked the layout of the pages containing the messages from the various VIPs (Pres Arroyo, our directress, our academic head, et al). Unlike in the ordinary yearbooks, the pictures of these VIPs were large and unencumbered by frames or borders. Maybe I’m huli sa uso but it’s a new and innovative layout, and I really like it. I wonder who “invented” this new way.
I hope I haven’t bored you yet. Actually, I still have another thing to tell you, but I think I kinda got carried away with putting my thoughts into writing that this entry got longer than what I had expected. I guess I have plenty in my mind. Oh well. Until next time.
Anyway, updates, updates, updates. I just found out the two worst things that could happen to you when going to the beach. The first is accidentally leaving your towel at home. The second is getting horrendously sick while in tropical paradise. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to guess that both happened to me when I went to Boracay last weekend. But I still had fun, though. I mean, I was in the beach. What more could a water baby like me ask for?
Nanay told me about the first time they took me to the sea. It was in Subic, and I was still a toddler then. I was really scared at first, but I eventually got used to the water. I enjoyed it so much that, if my mother is to be believed, she had to pretend she was bitten by a crab to get me out of the water.
Anyway, I just realized that I half hate and half love Boracay. It’s an amazingly beautiful island, and I’m not saying that just because I’m from Aklan. I’m really proud of my province, unlike some people out there, considering they were born and bred in that province. I was born in Manila, spent my childhood in Manila, am back in Manila to study, but Kalibo holds my heart. The pretentious ones out there seem to turn their back to their beloved hometown because they want to be bona fide Manileños and Manileñas. They try to be oh so cool and oh so hip and oh so urbane, but believe me, beneath all their designer clothes and haughty looks, there lurks the insecure promdi. Oooh, you’d say. Pau is being bitter and envious again. So what else is new? But I digress.
I love Boracay for all its beauty, but it is gradually becoming commercial. “Own a piece of paradise!” invites one of the flyers of a real estate agency selling land in the interior of the island. And I heard that some big-shot oil company is planning to put up a gas station there. It would bring profit, more jobs, and a plethora of other benefits, I know. I’ve nothing against progress, but the existence of a gas station would encourage people to bring in more cars, tricycles, trucks, etc. More vehicles, more pollution. Beach paradise and capitalism just don’t go together.
I love Boracay during the day, when the sun is warming the white sand and blue waters. When kids are splashing in the water and couples are walking by the beach. When the soft sea breeze comes and all your worries just seem to float away (except when I found out that Cabral will fail me in Calculus. I was talking to him over the phone, asking him to please lower the cut off mark again so that I could get a D instead. He showed no mercy.) But when the sun sets, a different set of people roam the streets. Boracay is a great party place, but I hate seeing sunburned foreigners guzzling beer and getting very intimate with a scantily clad native woman who obviously is just a pampalipas-oras, if you get what I mean. I don’t know, but it strikes me as vulgar and obscene. I feel raped, abused, taken advantaged of, even if it’s not really my neck that’s being wrapped around with a big hairy arm.
Denden pointed out over lunch that there is flesh trade here in Manila, and sometimes it’s even worse. But I haven’t seen anyone plying her (or his) trade here yet, and I intend to keep it that way. Besides, Boracay is my paradise and I want it unsullied by the evils of our society.
Anyway, lest I get carried away, another update. Our much-awaited high school yearbook is out! After waiting for more than three years, our batch could finally get a copy of this important memento of our stay in Pisay. Was it worth the wait? I really can’t answer that because I’m a part of the yearbook committee myself so I’d be biased. I did see a few errors here and there, but it is nevertheless nice and well-written (ahem ahem. Hehe, just kidding!) I especially liked the layout of the pages containing the messages from the various VIPs (Pres Arroyo, our directress, our academic head, et al). Unlike in the ordinary yearbooks, the pictures of these VIPs were large and unencumbered by frames or borders. Maybe I’m huli sa uso but it’s a new and innovative layout, and I really like it. I wonder who “invented” this new way.
I hope I haven’t bored you yet. Actually, I still have another thing to tell you, but I think I kinda got carried away with putting my thoughts into writing that this entry got longer than what I had expected. I guess I have plenty in my mind. Oh well. Until next time.
Wednesday, October 6
heehee... i can't tell you much about it... any more than what i posted here would make it so obvious... don't want to get caught. too complicated. hehe. gahd... pero cutie pie talaga... hehe. hmm... wallpaper ko sya ngayon sa pc ko. o d ba? so everytime i turn it on, good mood agad ako. *sigh* kahit lost cause, obsessed pa rin ako sa kanya. jeez... i'm such an idiot... but i'm loving it... :D
anyway, today was an incredibly bad day. the world hates me and i'm hating it back. the people (yung mga kilala ko naman) i meet along the way take one look at me then ask "okay ka lang?" am i that transparent? grr... i'm feeling better now, it think. probably because i logged in to friendster and checked out cutie pie's profile. *sigh* makita ko lang sya, sobrang okay na ako. eeep... obsessed stalker na ba? give me a week or so then the fact na lost cause sya will sink in, and i'll probably be miserable again. hehe.
*sigh* be going back to reality in a few moments. good luck sa ating lahat sa exams!!! :D
anyway, today was an incredibly bad day. the world hates me and i'm hating it back. the people (yung mga kilala ko naman) i meet along the way take one look at me then ask "okay ka lang?" am i that transparent? grr... i'm feeling better now, it think. probably because i logged in to friendster and checked out cutie pie's profile. *sigh* makita ko lang sya, sobrang okay na ako. eeep... obsessed stalker na ba? give me a week or so then the fact na lost cause sya will sink in, and i'll probably be miserable again. hehe.
*sigh* be going back to reality in a few moments. good luck sa ating lahat sa exams!!! :D
Tuesday, October 5
Disclaimer: I’m not going to rant or gripe in this post. But don’t go cheering yet. I’m going to gush. I’m going to gush like an infatuated high school girl with mush for her brain and hearts coming out her eyes. I’m not even going to bother with italics and punctuations and grammar and whatever. You might as well skip this. But then again, don’t. This is a different side of me. Ready? Good luck.
Ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh! *squeal* Ang cutie nya! Ang cutie nya! Ang cutie nya! I swear, ang cutie cutie cutie nya talaga! Ang ganda, as in super ganda ng mata nya! Tapos kapag ngumiti… *sigh* Cutie pie talaga!
I really can’t go into too many details, pero eto na lang. Kabarkada sya ng girlfriend ng friend ko. We’ve met a few times before, pero nakasama ko sya just recently nung pumunta kami sa isang bar (hindi ito gay bar ha? Kadiri ka). Syempre may inuman… then sayawan… *squeal* I swear, ang cutie nya talaga. *kilig kilig* Dapat siguro nagpakalasing pa ako para may excuse ako na gapangin sya. Haha, sayang. ;P
But then again, lost cause na naman to. Although single (and ready to go!) sya, may iba syang gusto, tapos medyo complicated yung mga connections namin. *sigh* But I don’t care. Cutie pa rin sya, so worth the risks (sort of…). Yehey, I have a new obsession. Lol.
On a serious (?!?!) note, Andie, Lorie, or anyone out there, I don’t care if you bash this blog because of this post. I’m still in cloud nine so it would take a lot more than stinging comments to pull me back to earth. I wish I could show you a picture (wala pa nga akong picture nya e. hmph) so you could understand why I’m having these kilig attacks. *sigh* I wonder when we’ll see each other again. Can somebody please wipe off this idiotic grin off my face? Lol.
Ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh! *squeal* Ang cutie nya! Ang cutie nya! Ang cutie nya! I swear, ang cutie cutie cutie nya talaga! Ang ganda, as in super ganda ng mata nya! Tapos kapag ngumiti… *sigh* Cutie pie talaga!
I really can’t go into too many details, pero eto na lang. Kabarkada sya ng girlfriend ng friend ko. We’ve met a few times before, pero nakasama ko sya just recently nung pumunta kami sa isang bar (hindi ito gay bar ha? Kadiri ka). Syempre may inuman… then sayawan… *squeal* I swear, ang cutie nya talaga. *kilig kilig* Dapat siguro nagpakalasing pa ako para may excuse ako na gapangin sya. Haha, sayang. ;P
But then again, lost cause na naman to. Although single (and ready to go!) sya, may iba syang gusto, tapos medyo complicated yung mga connections namin. *sigh* But I don’t care. Cutie pa rin sya, so worth the risks (sort of…). Yehey, I have a new obsession. Lol.
On a serious (?!?!) note, Andie, Lorie, or anyone out there, I don’t care if you bash this blog because of this post. I’m still in cloud nine so it would take a lot more than stinging comments to pull me back to earth. I wish I could show you a picture (wala pa nga akong picture nya e. hmph) so you could understand why I’m having these kilig attacks. *sigh* I wonder when we’ll see each other again. Can somebody please wipe off this idiotic grin off my face? Lol.
Friday, October 1
Haha. Amazing. I got a B in the Philo orals I’ve been dreading for days. I really didn’t prepare much for this, unlike my oral exams last year. Heck, I didn’t even finish the chapter! Well, I did have reliable notes because I was rarely absent (but always late. Lol) while we were discussing the topic for this exam. And what was even more amazing was that I felt calm after my exam. Granted, I was panicking before my time slot, but when I got out of the room, I was actually satisfied with what I said. Maybe because I didn’t really study, as in todo study so I didn’t expect too much from myself. I think I actually forgot about it until this morning when I remembered that our grades would already be in my teacher’s pigeonhole today. And lo and behold, 3.0. Well, my grade is a B if I got the date and time correct. Whatever. As long as it’s not an F I’m happy.
In other news, I had a weird dream last night. I couldn’t remember all the details already, but I do know that my recent ex was there, and we were doing something… private. No, we weren’t having sex, pervert. If we were, I would’ve remembered all the naughty little details and kept it to myself. Anyway, in my dream, we were doing what any normal (normal?) couple would do when alone together. It’s weird because this dream proves that she’s still in my mind even though I should be forgetting about that screwed-up relationship already. *sigh* Sick sad world.
Anyway, Angie and I were talking last night and we came upon a very appropriate chapter in my life: Lost Cause. Or should I say The Lost Causes. Seems like all my romantic prospects are exactly that: a lost hopeless cause. Starbucks Guy, no matter how cute he is or how hard I make pa-cute, will always be gay. The other guy who’s been bugging me lately is kinda cute, but he’s probably shorter than I am (it’s a big deal for me). I have a crush on an orgmate (Abie, Butch, Jops, shh!!!), but I heard a lot of girls have a crush on him too so I’ve lost interest already. And countless other crushes that, if I decide to pursue any one of them, would either complicate our lives or crush my already beat-up ego. So there.
I guess the world is just telling me that I shouldn’t be thinking about romance at this point in my life and that I should focus on my academics instead. After all, final exams week is just around the corner (so is Christmas, by the way. Have you seen my Christmas lists already? *hint hint!* Haha, just kidding.). But then this is the nth time I told myself this and my academic life isn’t flourishing yet. Probably because my focus is as blurred as my eyesight. Whatever.
In other news, I had a weird dream last night. I couldn’t remember all the details already, but I do know that my recent ex was there, and we were doing something… private. No, we weren’t having sex, pervert. If we were, I would’ve remembered all the naughty little details and kept it to myself. Anyway, in my dream, we were doing what any normal (normal?) couple would do when alone together. It’s weird because this dream proves that she’s still in my mind even though I should be forgetting about that screwed-up relationship already. *sigh* Sick sad world.
Anyway, Angie and I were talking last night and we came upon a very appropriate chapter in my life: Lost Cause. Or should I say The Lost Causes. Seems like all my romantic prospects are exactly that: a lost hopeless cause. Starbucks Guy, no matter how cute he is or how hard I make pa-cute, will always be gay. The other guy who’s been bugging me lately is kinda cute, but he’s probably shorter than I am (it’s a big deal for me). I have a crush on an orgmate (Abie, Butch, Jops, shh!!!), but I heard a lot of girls have a crush on him too so I’ve lost interest already. And countless other crushes that, if I decide to pursue any one of them, would either complicate our lives or crush my already beat-up ego. So there.
I guess the world is just telling me that I shouldn’t be thinking about romance at this point in my life and that I should focus on my academics instead. After all, final exams week is just around the corner (so is Christmas, by the way. Have you seen my Christmas lists already? *hint hint!* Haha, just kidding.). But then this is the nth time I told myself this and my academic life isn’t flourishing yet. Probably because my focus is as blurred as my eyesight. Whatever.
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