continuation

No, you don’t understand. Or maybe you do and you don’t. We all struggle with their expectations. But you could never understand how it is to be my parents’ daughter. It’s not enough for them that I graduated from Ateneo on time. They would have preferred that I graduated with honors. Of course they don’t tell me this outright. They let me know when I least expect it, like when we’re entertaining guests and they start talking about my (rejected) application for graduate school at UP. When I tell the guests that graduate schools require work experience, my parents would say in a joking manner, “But sometimes they accept fresh graduates who have high grades.” And then add, “It’s okay, you have always wanted to work in a call center.” I hate it when they use humor in their criticisms. If I don’t laugh with them, I’ll end up looking pikon and they’ll just laugh at me harder.

And I know what they want from me (I think), and I know I can’t give them that. I try – God knows I do – but it’s too difficult to change at this point in my life. I hate it here. I can’t wait to see the day that I leave for Manila and hunt for a job. But then if I take eons to land a job, or if my job sucks, I’ll never hear the end of it from my parents. Actually, this jobhunting thing is also an issue with us. I could never understand what they want. Basta, it’s a long sordid story. I wish I could turn back time and be a kid again.

Oh, I take back what I said in that last entry. They do love me. After all, I am their own flesh and blood. But I do not have their respect. Maybe they do respect me as a human being, but not as a person. Do you see the difference? Never sila naging bilib sa akin. And that’s just sad, right?

*sigh* I’m sorry this blog has been so depressing. I promise I would post something upbeat next time.