Disclaimer: If you hate to hear/read me griping, do yourself a favor and move away from this post. Don’t give me the pleasure of giving you a headache.

I’m so f*cking depressed that I could feel all the violence fighting to get out of me. I want to hurt something, or even someone. I want to inflict the worst pain possible and with utmost glee. And with my bare hands. I don’t care if they send me to prison or something like that. I’m a depressed person so I plead temporary (hell, even permanent) insanity.

Actually, I was about to say that I’m depressed that I want to kill myself, but I fear God above all else. I heard people who commit suicide have a special place in hell. Besides, I’m already finished with the stage in my life when I was so fascinated about seeing a knife enter my flesh. The knife would make its way through the skin, going deeper, and then the blood would slowly seep out of the wound. But I’m not suicidal, mind you. I just have masochistic tendencies. (Ha! That’s an understatement.)

Anyway, my life is in shambles. My roommates hate me because I sleep through my alarm (which goes on and on for two hours. Aargh, I need a yaya to take care of me.). My best friend thinks I’m pathetic and self-centered, which are true, but you would’ve expected her not to rub it in, especially when I just broke up with someone. And the thing is, don’t we all have degrees of self-centeredness and being pathetic? My parents expect too much from me; it’s as if they want me to do the things they failed to do while they were younger. I bet that given the chance, they would live my life for me. Nobody could understand me, and I seem to waste everything I have: time, money, friendships, romantic relationships, even my body (you should see how thin I am now. No, I don’t take illegal drugs, you bitter envious people. My drugs of choice are nicotine and antacid. Kremil-S is already bubblegum-flavored. Yum.). My study habits (whatever’s left of them) give me terrible results, and I actually perform better on my exams when I don’t study. I have the worst sleeping pattern: narcoleptic by day and insomniac by night. Even my org offers no respite for me. How I miss Elmo, but then we’ve already established that iniiwan ako ng lahat ng mahal ko sa buhay. PUNYETA!

Please don’t give me that crap about how I should consider myself luckier than others. Of course I know that I’m better off than, say, women in some patriarchal (read: chauvinist) societies, where they are treated as second class citizens. I’m better off than kids my age in other less-developed countries where they can’t post in their blogs (They don’t even have computers, for crying out loud!) about how they are forced to do back-breaking work instead of letting them go to school. I’m better off than the college students decades ago when the writ of habeas corpus was suspended. But then again, I DON’T GIVE A DAMN. We all have shit to put up with, and patience is not one of my virtues. We’re humans, baby. If you prick us, do we not bleed? Or whatever Shakespeare said.

(And all that bullshit about being men- and women-for-others that Ateneo is feeding her students is just that: bullshit. Sorry, St Ignatius, that mantra probably worked in your time, but it’s gasgas already. How can you even strive to become a person-for-others when you see unscrupulous people scream “Every man for himself!” and then proceed to grab everything you have. Kalimutan na kinalimutan mo ang sarili mo para sa kapwa? Forget about it.)

I know that things don’t always go as we planned, but this is ridiculous. Several things turning differently I could accept, but this is my WHOLE life we’re talking about. It’s a movie with the cast and crew gone berserk. Time is such a naughty imp, spinning its yarn so fast I’m getting motion sickness already. “Come back! Come back!” I helplessly call after all the moments I have wasted.

I wish I could turn back time. Or at least have enough foresight so I would know the things that would embarrass me and/or make me suffer in the future. Minsan kasi hindi ko na pinag-iisipan mga ginagawa ko. I’m sick and tired of the uncertainty of everything. You might say, isn’t that the beauty of it? Yeah, if you’re the type who wants to be unpleasantly surprised even on your birthday.

Can somebody please bonk me on the head? Except you, Lorie. I know you really want to, but you might bonk me to comatose. Bonk, green-minded people, not boink. I could see Lorie imagining herself, wielding a humongous baseball bat over my head, “This is for being so pathetic; stop living in the past, loser! This is for being so self-centered; you’re not the only one suffering, eediot! This is for giving in to your lesbian tendencies; can you get any more desperate than that!?” And you can’t ask Andie or Jace to do that either. Plus, no divine intervention, please. That’s not fair.

Do I even sound coherent at all? Actually, I just realized that I could write better when I’m depressed. But when I’m inspired, I write worthless pieces of shit. See how weird I am? *sigh* bottom line is, my life is hurtling to the depths of despair, and I’m starting to come undone. Anyone out there with Messianic tendencies who wants to rescue me? Lesbian applicants also accepted.