Hey, guys. I have a hypothetical question. If you have a friend who committed suicide, would you still pray for her?

If you answered no, then you don't seem like a good friend at all. Your friend just died and you won't even say a quick Our Father for her.

But even if you do pray for her, it's kinda pointless. You know that her soul would go straight to hell because she took her own life.

So where does that leave you?

Just asking. And I'm expecting answers from you.

Check out this week's comic strip. What a riot. These guys are crazy. :D

Hmm... I'm back home and bursting with so many stories to tell you, but there's a lot going on in my mind that I'm afraid I'll just be incoherent. In the meantime, here's my Christmas Wish List. Don't worry, it's shorter than last year's list, and I'll probably end up disappointed and/or buying them myself since I don't have filthy rich and uber generous friends. No offense to you, guys. I mean, I'm just being honest. Heehee. :D Plus, it's krisis so I'm not really expecting anything.

1. Shu Uemura Lash Curler
2. Eye cream (L'Oreal is relatively cheap, but I'm hankering for the VMV eye serum)
3. Complete DVD collection of Friends

See? Told ya it was short and sweet.

Oh, I'd like to say thank you to all the people who sympathized with us when Papa passed away. I'd like to talk about him again, but now's not the time.

And to conclude this post...

"The reason the dog has many friends is that it wags its tail rather than its tongue." - Japanese saying

(Bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan, post a comment. :P)

Tribute to Papa

I have always wondered what my reaction would be when confronted by the news of the death of a close relative. Would I break down and cry, or be shamelessly indifferent? Or worse, relieved that there’s one less human I would compete against for oxygen? I told myself that it would probably depend on which relative passed away.

Papa was diagnosed with diabetes more than two years ago. But being the pasaway that he was, he wasn’t very careful with his health so it got worse. He’s been partially blind since last year because of cataracts (an effect of his diabetes), so he’s unable to move around much. His bed, the dining table and the bathroom are basically the only places he went to.

Papa isn’t my father. He’s my uncle, the husband of my father’s eldest sister. But I grew up in their house so I adopted their children’s way of calling them, Mama and Papa, instead of Tita and Tito.

Anyway, a few days ago, Papa’s eldest daughter called to tell us that his legs were turning black (presumably because of gangrene, another effect of his diabetes and the fact that he’s semi-sedentary) so they had to rush him to the hospital. While confined in the Ospital ng Makati, he was always disoriented and was throwing up the whole night. These were signs of complications from his diabetes. And then earlier tonight, Papa’s son called, crying and telling us that Papa was already brain dead (I have to breathe deeply to get my bearings as I write this. Those two words just seem so obscene.).

I was shocked when I heard the news. I knew that Papa was very very sick, but I was expecting that they’ll just have to amputate his legs then they’ll send him home. I didn’t cry just yet. But a few minutes later, when Nanay, and my other aunt and uncle were discussing this latest development, I felt tears pricking my eyes. Especially when my uncle asked, “Brain dead pa lang naman, hindi pa ano…?” He couldn’t continue and I couldn’t stay in the sala anymore. I rushed to my room and had a good cry.

I never expected myself to cry for Papa. He was far from the perfect uncle or surrogate father. He wasn’t the ideal husband or role model for his kids, either. I had always thought that Mama was a martyr for putting up with him and their children (me included) became dysfunctional because of him. He drank and gambled and was magulang (it’s a Tagalog slang which means a person who employs all means to get more out of somebody, especially when that somebody is generous or weak. A cross among greedy, cunning and conning.). But later in his life he found God and actually became a lay minister. And no matter what can be said of him, he was our Papa and I know he loved us very much.

I know that he’s still breathing and they’re trying to revive him, but he’s half gone already. Right now, all we can do is be strong and pray for him.

I am deeply regretting that I never showed him how much I cared for him when I still had the chance. And I’m angry at myself for thinking of him as a pesky relative who deserves to be sick. In a way, he brought this upon himself, like mixing Ovaltine with his oatmeal despite his diabetes. But why didn’t I show more compassion and sympathy? I remember thinking that if it weren’t for Mama, I wouldn’t have tolerated him. I should have been more grateful, considering that he agreed to take me in when I was still an infant even if they already have five young children.

There’s one memory of him that I’ll never forget. It was last year, during the end of the first semester. He was asking me if I was graduating already and I said I would in March. He then held my hand, stared at a point past my shoulders (he was already partially blind), and said, “I’m not sure of I could last until then. You know that I’ve always thought of you as a daughter, and I would very much like to see your graduation day. I keep asking God to let me live longer.”

During those times, I dismissed that as another one of his ploys to get my sympathy (and perhaps more money), and I regret that now. Sure, maybe that’s true – Papa loves to use paawa-effect – but that’s not all of it. I should have seen through my cynicism and realized how vulnerable he was feeling. I should have gone past my prejudice and relished the fact that for him, I was their sixth child, their beloved bunso, and that he wanted nothing more than to see me graduate. I should never have placed Mama and Papa at the bottom of my priorities while I was still in college, and instead have been the dutiful daughter and took care of them on weekends. I should have held his hand tighter and talked with him longer. But now it’s too late.

***

I wrote this Monday night. Papa passed away last Tuesday, October 25, around three in the afternoon. Yesterday, a black butterfly flew in our house. I’d like to think that it’s the spirit of Papa coming for a visit. And reminding me of my obligation as his “bunso.” That butterfly is still here.

Tomorrow we will fly to Manila to attend his funeral. Interment will be on Sunday.

Papa, wherever you are, I hope you are finally in peace.

finding nemo, er, sebastian and kathryn

I was cleaning up our little cabinet of cassette tapes and CD's and guess what I found? A Cruel Intentions OST cassette tape! I have absolutely no idea how it got there. I don't remember buying it, and it couldn't be Lorie's because she gave all her tapes for a rummage sale in LB. But I'm not complaining. I've been to countless music stores looking for this. Who knew I could find it at home? :P Now, if only I could find a way to convert the tape to a CD...

so many questions

Snagged this from Vanny (who, btw, have yet to return my Philo stuff)


The Rules:
1. Write messages for 15 different people. You can write ANYTHING.
2. You CANNOT say who these people are, or for whom the messages are for.
3. If someone asks you which one is about them, you CANNOT tell.

The Messages:

1. I still can’t get over that conditioner incident. You were supposed to leave some for me! :P
2. Virgin ka pa ba?
3. Enough already, dammit.
4. I wish it were five years from now and we’ll both be in Manila. I’ll be working and you’ll be in med school. Road trip from North to South Luzon? :)
5. What we shared, totoo ba yun, or were you just forced by circumstances to play along?
6. I’ve been waiting for so long. When can I sign the contract?
7. You think you know everything about me. Think again.
8. You have no idea how much I’m hurting inside. Come to think of it, you do. You’ve felt this way before. Ironic, isn’t it?
9. Do you still remember me? I wish I had the chance to say goodbye before you left for Norway.
10. Where the hell are you? Kelan binyag? I haven’t heard from you in almost a year!
11. Hey there. How’s your little girl? I hope we can talk some time. As in real talk, no holds barred (or something like that). I feel na we’ve drifted apart e.
12. Akala mo kung sino ka. You and your posse. You think you’re better than everybody else. Turncoat. Hmph. So young but you’re already adept at politicking.
13. Sana magbreak na kayo ng chubby mong girlfriend para pwede na maging tayo. Heehee.
14. Are you lesbian or just on your merry way to spinsterhood?
15. I wish it were different for the two of us. I wish it wasn’t as complicated. Or am I the only one complicating an otherwise straightforward situation?

vanity is my middle name

Umandar na naman vanity ko. I had already spent a couple of hours online, and was about to log off already, when I decided to visit the VMV Hypoallergenics website. And while I’m at it, I thought to myself, why not go to the Nivea and The Body Shop websites as well? So I ended up staying for almost half an hour more. Oh well.

As I had visited Nivea’s site a month ago and Body Shop’s didn’t offer much, I pretty much “hung out” at VMV. Although my dermatologist recommended I use VMV instead of other more expensive brands, I had told myself I would only buy branded skincare and cosmetic products when I’m already earning my own money. But seeing VMV’s products online, without having to deal with pesky sales agents, made want to take back my words. Oh, man. The lure of beautiful skin is just too irresistible. No, I’m not interested in their make up… yet. All right, only their Lip and Cheek Tint, but Tita already bought me one (it was on sale in SM Iloilo). Forgive me, but I’m obsessed with my lips. I need to prettify them to take the attention away from my ugly weird unusual nose. And I will get a nose job in the future, but only when I’m already earning six or seven digits per month. Hah. I wish! No, my nose is not pango (flat), but the tip is just too wide. There’s this procedure that “shaves” a bit of flesh off the sides of the tip, to give you a thinner-looking nose.

But I digress. I’m interested in VMV’s skincare line. They have this set of cleanser, toner and moisturizer in smaller sizes (perfect for travel or as a gift) for combination skin, and I really want to try that. It’s incredibly vain of me, I know, but do you have any idea how difficult it is to find products specially made for combination skin?

I also want to try their Armada Face Cover Sun and Light Screen (SPF 30). It’s a bit pricey, but dermatologists really recommend using sunblock, so I’m just following doctor’s orders.

The products I’ve mentioned are reasonably-priced, considering the amount of research and efforts poured into the stuff. But when I saw Glykeros Lift-Contour Eye and Lip Serum (designed to make skin around eyes and lips smooth and taut and minimize the appearance of fine lines, dark circles and puffiness.), I thought it was manna. My manna. Then I saw the price and my jaw almost dropped to the floor. 45 effing US dollars! That’s more than 2,000 pesos! And for a tiny container that probably wouldn’t last a month. I could buy the whole set of Chronicles of Narnia or Anne Rice’s vampire novels instead of that stupid serum. But I want that serum. I know more than half of the world’s population is starving, but I just can’t bring myself to care. Actually, I do care about them. I also care about myself as much, so I guess I’m just ambivalent.

*sigh* You’re probably gonna ask if that serum is actually worth its price, and I should just start having healthy habits like going to bed early, drink enough glasses of water daily, etc. And you’re right, of course. So I wouldn’t buy the serum… yet. Actually, I can’t buy it even if I really want to. It’ll just have to wait, just like that nose job.

Usher said...

... [You] gotta let it burn.

So I did.

Now I'm ready to turn a new leaf, start a new life.

continuation

Just to make things clear pala. I am NOT looking for a job yet. My family can still survive kahit palamunin pa rin ako. Thank you very much.

naglalabas lang po ng sama ng loob

I don’t get it. Why do you look down on graduates like me who have yet to sign the contract selling my body and soul to some big-shot company? Why do you corporate slaves scoff at us? Excuse me, but I’m enjoying my freedom. I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want. I don’t have to go through stacks of paperwork just to get my boss’s permission.

So you want to know what I’ve been doing here at home. Aside from my daily dose of Internet and books, and the occasional pig out party by the ref, of course. Well, I take care of my baby brother so my parents and aunts can do extra work at night. I help my younger sister with her lessons so she can be as smart as (or even smarter than) I am. I take over our store’s counter on Sundays and when our cashier takes her lunch. And I am writing our business’ operations manual, so we can export our products five years from now. I’m not such a useless bum after all. I may not be getting a paycheck at the end of each month, but I’m doing something worthwhile. I know I am contributing something beyond money to my family and our employees.

i'm back home. whew.

my sister won the division math quiz bee. i'm praying na she'll get to the nationals just like her ate. :P

btw, check out http://paulovesbooks.blog-city.com http://paulovesbooks.blogspot.com for the list of my books. :)

"I FEEL NAKED!!!!"

take a wild guess who said that. hint: she was released from the hospital last week. :)

hormonal again

My hormones are raging again. My temper’s been flaring for the past few hours. I swear… “All worked up and no one to choke.” How apt.

I asked Nanay if she could suggest a doctor (or a psychologist) I could see for my unholy bouts of PMS (that’s premenstrual symptoms and not premarital sex, pervert). She looked at me doubtfully and told me I should just learn to control my temper, hormones be damned. Jeez. Why can’t she understand? Didn’t she go through the same thing in her younger years? Gahd, the joys of menopause.

PMS is already recognized in the medical field, right? I found an ad for a patch intended for easing PMS in a women’s magazine, circa 1990s. But I think I have less of the physical symptoms (extreme cramps, etc) and more of the emotional/psychological. There’s gotta be something in the market I could take or apply or whatever to stabilize my mood swings. I’m becoming more and more of an ogre as each month passes. No Logynon, please. That OC never fails to give me a pimple every month. As in one single huge zit on my T-zone. It’s so damn obvious.

Maybe I should learn yoga. Or kickboxing. Or buy truckloads of stress balls I could obliterate to oblivion whenever I feel like strangling everybody within five feet of me.

Hey, Andie. Here are more things you wouldnt know without movies:

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices that have large red readouts telling when they're going to go off.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once. (May I just add, if there's a female cop, it will be necessary for her to go undercover in a strip joint.)

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the langauge. A German accent will do.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, saracasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

One man shooting 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at one man, if he is the hero. (This is another version :P)

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises while in their most revealing underwear.

(taken without permission from Reader's Digest, Feb 1999)

And while I'm at it...

If Microsoft had haiku for error messages:

Printer not ready
Could be a fatal error
Have a pen handy?


A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist were sitting in a cafe when they noticed two people going into the house across the street. A while later, they saw three people coming out.

Says the physicist, "Our first count wasn't accurate."
Argues the biologist, "They must have reproduced!"
Concludes the mathematician, "Now, if exactly one person enters the house, it will be empty again."

Goodness. I'm such a nerd. :P

*BOLD THE ONES YOU'VE DONE*

smoked a cigarette
smoked a cigar – it was gross
made out with a member of the same sex – we never went beyond kisses
crashed a friend's car
stolen a car
been in love
been dumped
shoplifted
been fired
been in a fist fight
snuck out of my parents' house
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back – so true!!!
been arrested
made out with a stranger – almost a stranger
gone on a blind date
lied to a friend – not blatant lies… fibs lang
had a crush on a teacher
been to Europe
skipped school
slept with a co-worker
seen someone die
had a crush on one of your LJ friends
been to Canada
been to Mexico
been on a plane
thrown up in a bar – haven’t thrown up after drinking yet
purposely set a part of myself on fire
eaten sushi
been snowboarding
met someone in person from LJ
been moshing at a concert
been in an abusive relationship
taken painkillers
love someone or miss someone right now
laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
made a snow angel
had a tea party
flown a kite
built a sand castle
gone puddle jumping
played dress up
jumped into a pile of leaves
gone sledding
cheated while playing a game
been lonely
fallen asleep at work/school
used a fake ID
watched the sunset – in Boracay!
felt an earthquake
touched a snake
slept beneath the stars – does camping out count?
been tickled
been robbed
been misunderstood
petted a reindeer/goat
won a contest
run a red light
been suspended from school
been in a car accident
had braces – still have ‘em!
felt like an outcast – pwede ba triple bold?!
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
had deja vu
danced in the moonlight
hated the way you look
witnessed a crime
pole danced
questioned your heart
been obsessed with post-it notes
squished barefoot through the mud
been lost – literally or figuratively?
been to the opposite side of the country – I’ve been to Dagupan, Pangsinan and Cebu
swam in the ocean – will South China Sea count?
felt like dying
cried yourself to sleep
played cops and robbers
recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
sung karaoke – videoke during my immersion because we were drinking gin
paid for a meal with only coins
done something you told yourself you wouldn't
made prank phone calls – I’d call a number and hang up as soon as somebody picks up. Oh, and prank SMS
laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
caught a snowflake on your tongue
danced in the rain
written a letter to Santa Claus
been kissed under a mistletoe
watched the sun rise with someone you care about
blown bubbles
made a bonfire on the beach
crashed a party
gone rollerskating
had a wish come true - I just can't remember what, though
humped a monkey – eew, gross
worn pearls
jumped off a bridge
screamed penis in class – whatever for?
ate dog/cat food – yuck ha?
told a complete stranger you loved them – they seem like strangers now. Hah, bitter
kissed a mirror
sang in the shower
have a little black dress
had a dream that you married someone
glued your hand to something
got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
kissed a fish
worn the opposite sex's clothes – for school plays
been a cheerleader
sat on a roof top
screamed at the top of your lungs
done a one-handed cartwheel
talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
stayed up all night
didn't take a shower for a week
pick and ate an apple right off the tree
climbed a tree
had a tree house
are scared to watch scary movies – sort of
believe in ghosts – I used to
had more then 30 pairs of shoes – including baby shoes and shoes I had as a kid and shoes I bought but didn’t get to wear often
worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
gone streaking
played ding-dong-ditch
played chicken
been pushed into a pool with your clothes on
been told you're hot by a complete stranger
broken a bone
been easily amused
caught a fish then ate it
made porn
caught a butterfly
laughed so hard you cried
cried so hard you laughed
cheated on a test – oh yes. I was scared shitless thinking that the teacher caught me and would fail me. He gave me a measly C and I was already jumping for joy.
have a Britney Spears CD
forgotten someone's name
slept naked – I would take my afternoon siesta in my undies when I was still in the dorm
French braided someone's hair
gone skinny dippin in a pool
been threatened to be kicked out of your house
been kicked out your house - I'm not waiting for that moment :P

Guys, please pray for Lorie. She's having (or had) major operation on her back because of a herniated disc. The operation was earlier this morning (Wednesday, August 10, 2005). Thanks.

Lorie said she's okay now. She'll probably stay in the hospital for a week or so, watching TV all day long and staring at a certain cute (male) nurse. She won't flirt with him, though. She said she's too much of a torpe girl to do that. Oh well.

bits and pieces

I’ve always had this crazy wish to have a gay best bud. You know, like Penelope Cruz’s flamboyant drag queen best friend in Woman on Top, although maybe not that screaming a fag. I’m thinking more along the lines of Will in Will and Grace. But sadly, that’s not meant to be. Most of the guys I’m close to are straight (or gays who have no intention of coming out of their closets), and I’m actually scared shitless of gays. Chalk that up to a really terrifying experience with fags back in high school. The funny thing is, I do have a gay best bud now, although not the type I had in mind. Lesbians, after all, are considered gay, right?

***

Can somebody tell me what’s the deal with Catcher in the Rye? Why does everybody seem to be moved by this novel and I’m just weirded out? Holden and his story just didn’t “kill” me, if you get what I mean. I was so disappointed upon reaching the end of the book and immediately wished I bought something else. I just don’t get Salinger’s point. Is there some profound meaning I have yet to fathom, or did I just get a “pirated” copy (from National Bookstore?!)? I’m tempted to read it again, but I’m afraid I’ll just be wasting my time.

***

Speaking of books, can you guys recommend anything for me? I’m thinking of reading Isabel Allende’s Eva Luna, Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Of Love and Other Demons (it’s about forbidden love. Perfect for me, don’t you think?), Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles (Vol. 2, and then move on to Mayfair Witches), Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart, Unbearable Lightness of Being, The Color Purple (ahem, Lorie :P), Five People You Meet in Heaven, and Sophie’s World.

And then there’s the lure of classics: Dante’s Divine Comedy, Doctor Zhivago, stuff by Charles Dickens and Shakespeare, etc. Whew. What a hodgepodge. Yep, I’m dedicating my entire life to reading books, books and more books. I wish.

I’m quoting this from Ate Pia (without her permission, may I just add): “You are [the] one I've dreamed of all my life, but that doesn't mean I would want you to be mine. You have been mine once but we both let go. We both moved on. We both called it quits. You don't seem to understand why I still feel the same for you and why I haven't totally let you go.”

Can relate and lola nyo. Ouch.

***

Btw, I’ve moved out. Out of my parents’ room (where I bunk in during sem break and vacation) and into my own room. My own uber pink room. As in baby pink. Pink and white shelves, pink and white closet. Gahd, I feel like a fuckin faggot coming out of my closet. I do hope I won’t get tired of pink easily. (I might upload some pictures in my multiply site.)

My aunts have been commenting that my room looks like a child’s and Nadya’s room like a grown up’s. Hers is done in peach and orange, and her closet is in dark mahogany. Nadya really wants to grow up na, while I don’t want to grow up at all.

***

Although I think my aunt is regretting her decision of giving me a new room. I’m a very bad housekeeper.

And I’m starting to regret it myself. All my books are in one place so I’m bound to get tempted to read them all. Actually, I am reading them all, that’s why I’m not getting any work done. Maybe I should ask my aunt to put a screen or cover on the shelves, so it would be difficlut to get a book but knowing myself, that’s gonna be pretty useless.

***

Anyway, we were moving my sister’s stuff into her new room, and some of my things were mixed up with hers. We found some old Sci-link issues (Does “Hello, God?” sound familiar, Andie?), my high school yearbook and graduation souvenir program, a copy of Inquirer with my Youngblood article in it (under a pseudonym, of course). I started skimming through them. Wish I didn’t because high school memories began to flood my brain. It’s not that they’re bad. They’re actually good memories, so I’d rather not remember them. I can’t help comparing those happy hs days to my not so happy college and post-college days. Makes me want to go back to my younger years, and we all know that’s impossible. *sigh*

mga walang magawa sa buhay

Nagpapacute na naman si Pau. And to think it wasn't my phone. tsk tsk.

kadyot lang, dili ako kasabot

It was my first time in Cebu last week. My mother had to attend a seminar and I “volunteered” to come along. Cebu’s a cool place. Parang may sariling mundo! And they have their own international airport. If it weren’t for the Cebuano-speaking populace, I would think I was in Metro Manila already (Oops, baka magalit mga Cebuanos! Do forgive me. Manila is the only city comparable to Cebu. ). Pero less polluted and with less traffic jams than MM. And what really tickled me pink was they have not one, but two Starbucks! One in Ayala and another in SM City. Although we didn’t get to visit any because my mother and I were too busy window shopping.

The seminar ended earlier than expected so we had more time to visit other places. We went to the Cebu Cathedral and Sto. Nino Basilica. We also bought tikoy in La Fortuna bakeshop (it's located inside the gates of Sto. Nino Basilica, if you want to go there) and saw the Magellan’s Cross. The cross wasn’t so impressive and the surroundings were already dirty. Maybe they should try to develop it as a tourist destination or something.

We also went to the Taoist Temple and the Waterfront Hotel in Lahug. The temple was in a subdivision perched on a hill, so we had to climb very high stairs. And the hotel was so large and luxurious. I was about to say classy, but we did see some not-so-classy Pinays on the arms of foreigners. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. We also ate dinner at Golden Cowrie (also in Lahug) and I really recommend the place. They serve delicious food (especially the baked scallops and puso salad) at reasonable prices. And they have unlimited rice, too.

They have this Taoist stone thingamajigger in the temple, and I really wanted to try it. You know, two kidney-shaped stones you drop on the floor after asking the gods a question. They’re supposed to indicate yes, no or maybe. I have questions I’m burning to ask, but I’m too scared because I might not like the answer. Or maybe it would just give me false hopes. *sigh* But let’s not dwell on that.

Anyway, the place where we were staying reminded me so much of Quiapo and the University Belt. There were lots of churches and schools, and lots more people. The guard at our hotel told us that the area used to be very dangerous and crime rate was high. Ngayon, hinda na “very,” dangerous na lang.

But the hotel sucked. I wouldn’t recommend it. The water was weird and there were creepy crawlies in our room. The aircon in our rooms and the functions rooms seemed to be working fine, but it was so warm and stinky in the corridors. They really have a problem with cleanliness. It’s not exactly a dump, but it could be better. So if you’re visiting Cebu, don’t stay in Cebu Business Hotel in that hotel in Colon St. cor Junquera St.

We had lunch with Paolo and two of his friends. Thanks, Pao, for not blowing us off even if your boss told you to take somebody else to lunch. And thanks, Pao’s boss, for giving Pao extra money so he could treat us to lunch. :-)

By the way, Cebu is a PGMA country. Streamers saying “We support you, President Arroyo” were hung all over the city. Coolness. So if ever something bad happens, Gloria supporters could always go to Cebu and break away from the rest of the country. I’m just kidding, of course.

I just remembered what the chatty taxi driver told us. All that hullabaloo about jueteng and the Gloriagate scandal were brought about by FPJ’s “advisers” and cohorts. Sotto, et al were just upset because a woman (and a short one at that) beat them at their game of cheating. Makes sense, huh?

There are times I want to scream “Get off my case and leave me alone!” I need professional help.

is it too much to ask?

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try.

I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me; there are some love that don't go away.

And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity.

Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."

- Ally McBeal

Visit http://www.asofterworld.com.

My favorites:
This guy’s a bit of a jerk
When ‘shut up and kiss me’ just won’t work.
Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dream like you’ve never had a nightmare.
Shooting star? Guess again.
Flipped me out.
Birthday blues
Ghosts and voodoo.
Awww…

three

snagged this from Andie:

Three names you go by:
1. Paula
2. Pau
3. Ate Pau? Hehe. I have two younger siblings. PauSau. Gahd, how can I forget my monicker in Tugon?

Three screen names you have had:
1. catatonic/catatonia
2. mimingkuting
3. catt07

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. My long legs (they used to be flawless. Hehe.)
2. My acne-less face
3. My “youthful” look (people think I’m in still high school.)

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
(only three? I could name a dozen!)
1. My jelly belly
2. My fly-away hair
3. The dark circles around my eyes.

Three parts of your heritage:
Filipino, Spanish or Portuguese, and Aeta (My mother is from Zambales and some of my father’s relatives are as dark as coals. No kidding.)

Three things that scare you:
1. Cockroaches, flying or otherwise.
2. Being a spinster. *gasp!*
3. Being a bum for the rest of my life.

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Water.
2. Cuddling my pets.
3. Food? Haha.

Three of your favorite musical artists:
No particular artist. Pwede album na lang?
1. The Matrix OST
2. Cruel Intentions OST
3. The Craft OST

Three of your favorite songs:
1. Old mcdonald had a farm
2. The alphabet song
3. I love you song (from barney)
I have a two-year-old brother. Go figure

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. Sincere apologies. The guy (or girl, whichever the case) has to say sorry not just to get me back.
2. Laughter. Lots of laughter. The guy (or girl) has to be funny.
3. Surprises once in a while. Good surprises, ha? Not the “I’m-falling-for-somebody-else” or “I-don’t-love-you-anymore” surprise. Grr.

Three lies and truths in no particular order:
LIES:
1. I'm manhid.
2. I’m slow/clueless. (you just don’t give enough clues)
3. I’m easy to get and a playgirl (Wish ko lang!).

TRUTH:
1. I'm very naïve, impressionable. (same here, Andie!)
2. I have good taste in men. I just have the worst luck in them.
3. I do love my family, I just don't show them often.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. I like ‘em clean. Clean-smelling, clean face, clean cut, clean everything.
2. I like ‘em taller and darker than I am.
3. I don’t know. I really go for humor. I had crushes on Michael V and Pekto, remember?

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. reading
2. writing
3. reading and writing. :-P

Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. Heed nature’s call.
2. Watch the movies saved in my pc.
3. Eat breakfast.

Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. Investigative journalist, a la Jessica Soho.
2. Writer (of books, plays, screenplays, etc) or a columnist.
3. in an NGO advocating human rights/civil rights

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Boracay. Heehee.
2. Batanes
3. France

Three kid's names you like:
1. Nadezda (wife yata ni Lenin)
2. Clarissa (no, Andie. I will not greet her every morning with “Well, hello, Clarisse.”)
3. Katherine (from Taming of the Shrew)

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Visit all the provinces in the Philippines
2. Apologize to all the people I’ve hurt intentionally.
3. Tell somebody I’ve loved him for the longest time but was too stupid to realize it then.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I have a faint moustache on my upper lip. (Oh, the pain of waxing and threading!)
2. I had a girlfriend.
3. My room is usually a mess...

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. …but I do clean it up once in a while
2. I had a boyfriend.
3. I take forever while using the bathroom and dressing up.

Three celeb crushes:
1. Cindy Kurleto
2. Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili of San Antonio Spurs (It’s a tie, and I’m not sure if they count as celebrities.)
3. Johnny Depp

Three mutant powers:
1. To turn back time.
2. Telekinesis.
3. To be super strong and super fast.

Three types of food you often crave for:
1. Chocolate. The bitter the better. :-P
2. Chicken.
3. Pizza.

Aaargh! Nakakainis kayo! Why are you doing this to me? Just when I’ve been readying myself to get over you, you would text me out of the blue. Palagi na lang! Gahd, I hate you and your forwarded messages!

Ayoko, ayoko, ayokong pumapel sa mga relasyon. Just like Sidney Bristow in Alias, I refuse to be the other woman. Kontrabida, yes, but being the third party is not included in my job description. I’ve been cheated on before, and I know how agonizing and unbearable the pain is. Even if I like, heck, love you that much, I still have respect for your girlfriends. I’m not going let them go through the hell that is The Cheating Beau. *sigh*

help me find my books

Guys, help please. I’m missing some books, and I’m pretty sure they aren’t misplaced but lent to people. So if you have a book bearing my name, please inform me ASAP so I wouldn't bother other people anymore. I hope we could think of a way for you to return my book. Here are some of the titles:

Youngblood 1
Bata, Bata, Paano Ka Ginawa by Lualhati Bautista
If Tomorrow Comes by Sidney Sheldon
Love Story by Eric Segal
*update* A Twist in the Tale by Jeffrey Archer
*update* The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan

I hope you could help me. Thanks!

tsk tsk

Last night I heard on the news that the Ateneans through the Sanggunian ng mga Mag-aaral finally made a stand regarding the Gloriagate scandal. If PGMA were really sincere in her apology, they said, then she should step down from her office. Hmm… I wonder if Father Nebres and the other higher-ups in Ateneo was informed about or approve of this move. And, of course, if the rest of the Ateneo populace actually share this view.

The Ateneo student council calling for PGMA’s resignation is a bit surprising. Ateneans are believed to be an apathetic lot. But they (or should I say we?) are trying very hard to change that image, so now and then you see Ateneans speaking up on the more serious national issues and joining UP in (a handful of) protests and rallies.

But then Sanggu was probably just following the rest of the universities in the city. UP has made their stand. So has La Salle and UST. It was, of course, imperative that Ateneo not only make a stand but make it known through the national media.

I agree that PGMA should step down from her office. But I believe that she do that not now, but when her term ends. But she cheated, the opposition would whine. But who didn’t? And that’s not the point. If she resigns, then what? Who would lead us? Noli de Castro, a broadcaster who read from a teleprompter? Susan Roces, touted to be the next Cory Aquino (Gahd, how could they dare to compare FPJ and Ninoy?)?

I mean, think about it. Our current executive chief might have stolen the presidency (not once but twice! raged Tita Susan), but there’s no one else but GMA. We have no other choice. Well, we do, but we’ll be jumping from the pan to the fire. If she steps down, the presidency would be up for grabs, and who knows what would happen then? Another EDSA revolution? A junta republic? A military take over? Rez Cortez for president? I’m telling you, the cure is worse than the disease. It may be stupid to just forgive and forget, but in the face of such forbidding and frightening possibilities, there’s nothing left to do. Let’s just hope that we’ll have a better luck next time.

I’m not actually looking for a job. I already have one, but it’s not the regular nine-to-five. And it’s only for a couple of months. I’m supposed to write the operations manual for our family business (Rosa Foods, Inc. We're engaged mainly in the processing of meat. Care to try? You'll definitely love our products.). It’s not entirely a labor of love. I will get paid once I finish the damn thing. But the experience and the sense of fulfillment (from having accomplished something while bumming around) will definitely be valuable.

Of course, my pay will be small compared to the rest of the would-be-yuppies out there, but that’s okay. There are so many fringe benefits. I don’t have to dress up or go to an office every day. I can work whenever I please. I could even get a free ride when I need to attend a seminar in town. And the pay would be my starting money once I start looking for a real job in the big city.

Oh, the best bonus: my latest (and weirdest) crush is coming over in a couple of weeks to check on my progress. Coolness. I love this job! I only wish I would actually work on it and get something (more like a lot of things) done instead of updating my blog.

weirdness personified

It’s official. I have the weirdest (and craziest) taste in crushes. I know that everyone is entitled to have at least one dorky crush in her lifetime, but I think I have had more than my fair share already. Don’t tell me that I’m exaggerating and say that there are other people who have had a thing with the most unlikely (or unsightly) person. Take for example, Andie. She’s head over heels in love with Quentin Tarantino (who was in Alias, by the way. He’s one of the bad guys. Coolness. J) and Constantine (of American Idiot, er, Idol). But then this hideous obsession is matched with equal fervor by her mania (and lust) for Bruce Willis and Orlando Bloom. Besides, you have to admit that what Quentin lacks in looks he makes up with his genius. And Constantine, well, he is quite charming (but the rocker image is so passé. Sorry, Andie.).

In my case, however, it’s one dorky crush after the other. I think it started with Matthew Perry as Chandler Bing in Friends. Then Bubble Gang’s Michael V and Nuts Entertainment’s Mike “Pekto” Nacua caught my fancy. And lately I’ve been watching Sesame Street with my kid brother, waiting for Mr. Noodle to make his appearance. And I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

As I mentioned in my other entry, my latest crush has the same first name as my recent ex. I know her on a professional basis. She’s a consultant doing in-depth coaching with our family business and several other companies here in the province. We’ve met months ago but I only noticed her last week. I was in a seminar that she and her colleagues were facilitating when that crazy thought crept into my sleepy brain. Then I started daydreaming about applying and getting accepted in their organization, working with her, getting to know her, and then… At this point, I was snapped awake, shocked at my train of thoughts. Kinilabutan.

You would have expected that I banished that silly thought from my head. But no. I actually encouraged it. I notice that I was always keyed up during the remainder of the seminar, and I started to participate actively in the discussions, especially when she’s around(pasikat!). Before the seminar was over, she scheduled a meeting next week with us writers (more on that in another entry), and I’m soooo excited of seeing her again. It’s that, um, pseudo-serious.

But she’s way older than I am, 10 years, max. And her looks are quite ordinary. She’s not ugly, but she’s not very pretty either. I guess what attracted me to her was her voice. Not her singing voice, but her normal conversational (or facilitating-the-seminar) voice. I have this thing with a person’s voice, see. It’s a major turn on for me. (Don’t go thinking of anything dirty now.)

The sad thing is, she’s not even tibo. She’s boyish in the sense that she’s not as kikay or pa-demure like other girls. But that’s all. My guess is she’s heterosexual, but her work keeps her from having a meaningful relationship so no wedding ring yet. Go on, say it. Pau, you’re really weird.

Maybe this is just a phase I’m going through. Maybe I’m just bored because I haven’t seen anyone cute yet. Maybe I just got impressed; she knows what she’s doing, and she seems to like what she’s doing. I’m craving for security and stability now, so maybe I just got envious and wants to be like her.

But if so, why then did I put on nice clothes and wore lipstick when I knew that I’d see her? And why am grinning like an idiot inside every time she talks to me?

I was reading the newspaper this afternoon when I came across some interesting stuff. No, I skipped the front page because it’s too depressing, so don’t ask me about the Gloriagate scandal or the E-VAT.

What caught my eye was the line “Johnny Depp and Ralph Fiennes take on whimsical characters in their new films – as … Willy Wonka in ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” and as the diabolical Lord Voldemort in ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.’” Whoa. Ralph Fiennes? Johnny Depp I could understand. He is, after all, Edward Scissorhands and Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Carribean). I guess “whimsy” is his middle name. But Ralph Fiennes, as in the Ralph Fiennes of “End of the Affair” and “Schindler’s List,” as He Who Must Not Be Named? Kinda surprising for an actor with his caliber, no offense to J. K. Rowling and Daniel Radcliffe (and Emma Watson *sly grin*).

And then I saw some pictures with captions saying “so-and-so in Iganacio Loyola.” There’s a designer named Ignacio Loyola?! I pity the guy, assuming that it’s his real name. His parents are either very devout follower of St. Ignatius of Loyola or are staunch Ateneans to the core. Or both. They probably sang “Song for Mary” and “Blue Eagle Spelling” instead of lullabies and nursery rhymes.

Anyway… Hmm… What else? I was meaning to tell you about my latest (pathetic) crush but I’m not in the mood to write. Just a teaser: namesake of my recent ex (not him. her.) Such a crazy world. Rather, such a crazy Pau.

Hey, check out my new blog in blog-city. It doesn’t contain anything yet, but I’ve already chosen the theme and put the links to other blogs. Blog-city is cool because amateurs like me don’t need to buy “HTML for Dummies” when designing the webpage itself. I’m still debating on whether to move there for good or stay here until Lorie finds a host that offers both the user-friendliness of Blog-city and html option of Blogspot. What do you think? And what do you think of my new blog? Comments and suggestions? I’ll be waiting.

continuation

No, you don’t understand. Or maybe you do and you don’t. We all struggle with their expectations. But you could never understand how it is to be my parents’ daughter. It’s not enough for them that I graduated from Ateneo on time. They would have preferred that I graduated with honors. Of course they don’t tell me this outright. They let me know when I least expect it, like when we’re entertaining guests and they start talking about my (rejected) application for graduate school at UP. When I tell the guests that graduate schools require work experience, my parents would say in a joking manner, “But sometimes they accept fresh graduates who have high grades.” And then add, “It’s okay, you have always wanted to work in a call center.” I hate it when they use humor in their criticisms. If I don’t laugh with them, I’ll end up looking pikon and they’ll just laugh at me harder.

And I know what they want from me (I think), and I know I can’t give them that. I try – God knows I do – but it’s too difficult to change at this point in my life. I hate it here. I can’t wait to see the day that I leave for Manila and hunt for a job. But then if I take eons to land a job, or if my job sucks, I’ll never hear the end of it from my parents. Actually, this jobhunting thing is also an issue with us. I could never understand what they want. Basta, it’s a long sordid story. I wish I could turn back time and be a kid again.

Oh, I take back what I said in that last entry. They do love me. After all, I am their own flesh and blood. But I do not have their respect. Maybe they do respect me as a human being, but not as a person. Do you see the difference? Never sila naging bilib sa akin. And that’s just sad, right?

*sigh* I’m sorry this blog has been so depressing. I promise I would post something upbeat next time.

never good enough

When will I ever be good enough for you? I’m tired of trying and failing miserably to become the perfect daughter. Time and again you’ve told me to learn to accept things that I cannot change, but why can’t you accept me? You expect too much from me. I can’t be perfect. I feel like I’m living in a military camp where I’m severely punished for every tiny mistake I make.

I’m also starting to feel unloved, too. You sympathize with our household help, saying she’s unappreciated, na palagi na lang mali ang nakikita, na palaging pinapagalitan, na she’s overworked and stuff. Ako rin naman ah (except for the overworked part). You never notice the times that I ran an errand for you, or did something right. Praise me you never did. But when I mess up, boy oh boy, you’re a few steps behind, ready to attack me. Criticisms, that’s all I hear from you. And don’t go telling me that they’re meant to be constructive. On the contrary, your words kill me. You think I never listen to you, but every withering analysis of my flaws crushes my ego and skewers my heart. I will be forever traumatized.

pretending you're not you

Bwi-shit kayo. “KA,” my ass. Punyeta, sabihin nyo taga-KALIBO, AKLAN kayo! Kinahihya nyo ba sarili nyong bayan? Ayaw nyo ba talagang aminin na mga probinsyana kayo? Manila (or Makati) girls na ba turing nyo sa mga sarili nyo?

“Science High?” My goodness. Write your school name in full so it couldn’t be misinterpreted. The Science High in town is way different from the Philippine Science High in Iloilo or Diliman. Or you just refuse to see the f*cking difference?

I’m sick of you pretentious people!

books and stuff

Nanay and Tita bought me a bookcase in Iloilo last week, and it would be delivered anytime soon. I wasn’t with them when they bought it, but they tell me that it’s nothing fancy, just the standard upright bookcase. Finally, my precious books would have a home. They’re currently residing in shelves scattered all over the house, so the thought of seeing them in just one place is quite exciting for a bookworm like me.

My collection isn’t that spectacular, mind you. Just a dozen or so classics that I’ve been buying since high school (an offshoot of Ma’am Barrientos’ reading requirements for English 2) and several novels by contemporary writers. But it’s my parents’ books (that are kept in a shelf near the ceiling) that I’m interested in. Really serious stuff like Marx and Lenin, communism and civil rights, and analyses of wars and revolutions. Not exactly my usual dose of fiction, but I would like to try reading some of them. With the new bookcase in transit, at least these books would not be out of reach (literally) anymore. Perhaps just intellectually beyond my reach?

In other news, I was glancing at today’s newspaper and I read “My husband is ready to face investigation” underneath the headline. I thought it came from PGMA, in reference to the jueteng scandal, but turned out it was from Garcillano’s wife. I realized that if it were Gloria who said that, either she’s bluffing or our country has gone to the dogs. If Mike Arroyo is “ready to face investigation,” then his wife probably has “taken care” of everything so that he, Mikey and Iggy could go scot-free. Tsk tsk. Politics was never meant to be this dirty.

Anyway, Tita went to Iloilo again this weekend and she bought me several blouses. They’re a welcome addition to my meager supply of “grown-up” outfits. When I started jobhunting last March, I was scrambling around for clothes I could wear while wandering in Makati. These days, I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go, so to speak. *sigh* I’m still waiting (ah, the agony of it!) for any response from any of the companies I applied to. As I’ve said before, life sucks.

On a more cheerful note, Jommel, my baby brother, went to school today. No, it’s not the “real” school yet, just the daycare center in our barangay. He’s just turning three this coming October, so we weren’t really planning on sending him to school. But he and his yaya tagged along when his playmate (who’s a bit older than my brother) went to school last Friday, and my brother was hooked. According to his yaya, he was listening attentively to the teacher and was very well-behaved. Although he was wont to take his classmates’ things, but only if he didn’t have one of his own. And since his “tuition” was a whopping Php100 entrance fee, and an additional Php50 monthly, Nadya, my younger sister has offered to shoulder that. See how worthless I have become? My 10-year-old sister is already paying for our brother’s education! I couldn’t even afford to buy him crayons. Sheesh. Not so cheerful anymore.

P.S. San Antonio Spurs won Game 5. Yay! Go Parker! Go Ginobili! Go Horry! Go Duncan! *sigh* I know, I’m not really an NBA aficionado. But still. Aren’t they the cutest things. Tee-hee. I can’t say the same about Detroit Pistons; Hamilton’s face mask thingy is just off-putting.

Oh, and I just found out that Tony Parker and Eva Longoria (from Desperate Housewives, I think) are together. I can’t make up my mind which one to envy.

finally 'fessed up

mahal nya ko. mahal ko sya. pero bakit hindi pa rin kami masaya? bakit hindi talaga pwede? sino bang gago ang nagsabi na "love conquers all?" punyeta, hindi naman totoo eh.

surprise surprise

I saw him today. Seeing him after all those months completely took me by surprise. He didn’t even greet me on my birthday or graduation day. And today I saw him. With his girlfriend. Who was prettier than I thought (I have this thing with curly/wavy-haired chicks). Just what I need for this summer – another reason to be upset. And I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

If you think you know who I’m talking about, guess again. He’s not one of my notorious ex’s (oh, please. Are they still in the picture?), or any of the guys I was linked with back in high school. And this isn’t Cutie Pie either. All the people mentioned above captured only a few moments in my life, so to speak. On the other paw, this guy, who I will fondly call Biker Dude from hereon, takes (notice the present tense) a considerable chunk. And yes, it’s a he.

I knew him ever since I could remember. Biker Dude was a childhood chum, you see, and we were almost brother and sister. He was fun to be with: delightfully naughty and impishly charming. Come to think of it, he was the original bad boy in my life. True, I’ve had a variety of crushes and infatuations during my high school and college years, but closer examination of the more serious ones would show remarkable similarities with Biker Dude. I guess I was unconsciously looking for him each time I meet a guy. It’s as if he was the ideal every guy has to measure up to. And honestly, only one person has ever come close. But let’s not talk about that. I’m out of his picture already.

Some of my closer friends might be surprised with this revelation and wonder why I haven’t told them this before. Well, I only found out about just now myself. I never thought I felt this way about him until recently. Come to think of it, I don’t even know what these feelings are exactly. All I know is that they’re pretty strong.

It was probably our “date” last January that triggered these emotions. I use quotation marks because it wasn’t really a date in the romantic sense, but I don’t know how else to call it. But let me tell you some things about him first. As I’ve mentioned earlier, we were childhood chums and our families were very close. During summer, neighbors like him would come to our house and play with me (wholesome games, you pervert), but I was more drawn to Biker Dude than to any of my playmates.

As we got older, we began to see less and less of each other. I went to high school in Iloilo while he stayed in Aklan. We still maintained contact, albeit erratic, through letters. I keep his letters in a special box. I didn’t realize it then, but he was already special to me.

It was bad enough that we went to separate schools and saw each other during summer, but even that privilege was taken away. Our families started to bicker over a piece of land, and neither side wanted to give in. We both didn’t want to get involved in the grown-ups’ mess, but neither could we stay neutral. Biker Dude and his siblings stopped visiting me, and my parents subtly let me now that I was not to go to their house para iwas-gulo.

I went to Manila for college and he still stayed in Aklan. In his defense, he couldn’t go to Iloilo or Manila to study not because he was bobo or something. He stayed here partly by choice (school and course) and partly because of their financial situation.

We had no contact during this time; I was afraid his mother would intercept my letter, hence, he couldn’t have known my Metro Manila address. I heard snippets about him through the grapevine (some true, the rest probably exaggerated) and I’m sure he heard stuff about me, too. Kalibo is such a small town. But then again, not small enough for the two of us to bump into each other. Well, until today, anyway.

Imagine my surprise (and delight) when I received a text message from him last December. How he got my number is a long story, and I considered that as an early Christmas gift. Technology is such a wonderful thing, don’t you think? I pounced on my cellphone every time it beeped, hoping it was his name I would see on the screen. I also called him a couple of times (landline lang. He couldn’t call me because somebody else might answer and recognize his voice) and our talks lasted for hours. I was giddy with excitement, partly because we got to talk again after all those years, and partly because we were doing everything without our families’ knowledge (or so we’d like to think).

Then the ultimate thing happened. Text messages and phone conversations just weren’t enough for him. He asked, nay, pleaded with me to meet him in town. We agreed to meet one Sunday afternoon. I was to tell my parents I was going to the new (and only. *sigh*) coffee shop in Kalibo to study Kant (“Kailangan ko ng mala-Starbucks na ambience!”) and he was to tell his boss (he was a few years older and was working already) he was going to buy some things in town. We were planning to meet halfway; he would bring me to the coffee shop aboard his motorcycle so that we could chat. I was about to protest, but he cut me off, telling me he had already foreseen that I would be scared to ride his motorcycle. He was recalling a near-accident I had with a motorcycle when we were still kids. I was touched; he actually remembered that incident when almost everybody else in my family has forgotten. From that moment on, all my doubts and hesitations were swept aside. I had to be with him no matter what.

I couldn’t (and shouldn’t) tell you all the details of our rendezvous. It would be too long, and my life isn’t that public yet. I could tell you, though, that I enjoyed it immensely (again, everything was wholesome), even if the coffee shop was closed and we had to go somewhere else (while riding his bike. Scary!). We settled on dining in Kalibo’s only mall, and we talked and talked and talked. I was again touched because he could still remember that I was always at odds with my father, and that my younger sister and I were never really close. Needless to say, I never got to study Kant, but I’m not complaining. Every minute spent with him was worth the low grade I had for that exam.

I would have wanted to be with him forever, but that wasn’t possible. Night was falling fast and I had to go home. But of course, he couldn’t take me home; my family would kill us. So he just offered to take me to the terminal. We took dimly-lit back streets and alleyways so we couldn’t be seen. And he deliberately drove in circles to prolong the time we spent with each other. It was the most amazing (dare I say it?) date I ever had so far. And the best part of it was the motorcycle ride, which was my first time after that incident. My heart was going thudthudthud because I was afraid we’d have an accident (we didn’t even have helmets on), and because I was sitting so close to him. *kilig kilig*

We couldn’t delay my trip home any longer, and we finally arrived in the terminal. Before I climbed up the multicab, I kissed him on the cheek and told him to be careful. I think that little kiss caught him guard.

We continued sending text messages for a couple of weeks, then it began to dwindle again. I was busy with school and he was also busy with his work. And then I ran into him today. Life has its funny way of surprising us.

Believe me when I say that this, whatever this is, is worse than unrequited love. With the latter, you know where you stand and what to expect. But with Biker Dude, I don’t even know what we have. My mind (and heart) is in a limbo. My instincts (women’s instincts are rarely wrong) are telling me that that he has to feel strongly about me, too, and that he sees me as more than a friend. But I can’t prove this, because the moment we reveal whatever we feel for each other, matters would become really complicated. This is the case where being stuck in the MU stage is so much better than moving to the next level. Another hopeless cause, if you ask me. I have such a pathetic lovelife, don’t you think?

I’m sorry I’m such a long-winded storyteller. I wrote this nearly a month ago, and this is actually the shorter version. Anyway, I don’t know if I still feel the same way about him, though. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I’ve decided to let go of the hopeless causes (Biker Dude, Cutie Pie, etc) and move on. Like the Christmas Wish List I posted here a few months ago, entries like this might help my letting-go-and-moving-on process. I’m hoping that my feelings (whatever they are) would fade away when I see them written in all their sordid glory. Wish me luck.

pictures

this is long overdue. i've uploaded most of the pictures from my 18th birthday party held in kenny roger's katipunan eons ago. you might want to check it out in my multiply site. and if you want copies (why would anyone want copies?), contact me and we'll see what we can work out. i could snail mail you copies, or you could wait til i get back to manila and we could meet somewhere. let me warn you, though, it might take a long long while so you have to content yourself with this.

Malditang manhid, that’s me. It used to be malditang martir, but I realized that was stupid. Being a maldita worked for me, but martyrdom rubbed me the wrong way. So I took a few steps back and aimed for being insensitive instead. Wasn’t so difficult. Many have wondered how I managed to remain strong even as I suffer, indifferent even as I inflict pain. I was malditang manhid extraordinaire.

But wait. Am I really this insensitive? Have I turned into a cold, manipulative monster? Have I really forgotten all the heartaches in my past? Or am I just afraid to show how vulnerable I could be?

Malditang manhid, that’s me. But underneath, maybe I am just scared to be hurt again.

i want a new phone, dammit. my trusty N6210 is still working, but it's just so damn old. and you can't spell "trusty" without "rusty." oh well.

there's a promo in smart where we could avail new phones when we renew our plans, but of course i can't have the latest model. my father, being the man of the house, already beat me to it. he's getting the N3230, with 1.3 megapixel camera, 50 minutes of video recording, mms, bluetooth and IR capable, and loads of other cool stuff. and i have to make do with a model that doesn't even have half of those features. aargh. i'm turning green with envy.

do i sound like a materialistic bitch na? well, forgive me for being so. i wouldn't have been stuck with my mother's old N6210 if my N3530 hadn't been stolen more than a year ago. i could still remember the exact place, date and time, in asg room, december 5, 2003, at around 2 pm. nyargh. that darn thief. i already have a suspect in mind, but i can't prove it, of course. i'll just let things run their course and hope that he gets the karma that he deserves.

in other news, i'm scared. i'm getting old. dammit. i should stop watching telenovelas with oh-so-happy endings. it's so frustrating.

hmm... but i should end on a happy note. lemme see... oh, back to the cellphones. at least i'm getting a new one, even if it's not the latest model. my mother will agree to get any model i want, as long as we wouldn't have to shell out money for it. malabo ba? basta, there's a promo nga e. so i should be happy with that.

happy birthday, vanny, jopaw, lester. too bad i missed your birthday bash. there will always be a next time, di ba?

and on a happier note, raissa is very happy with her life right now. and being her utol and "S.O." (that's "secret on" for you), i'm happy for her as well. happy happy happy.

sad news

Louis Leithold died a few weeks ago. He was 80 years old. For those who don't know him, he wrote The Calculus, one of the most (if not the most) widely used textbook in universities and high schools worldwide. (news snagged from Kerwin's site) We used The Calculus with Algebra and Geometry (nicknamed TCWAG, pronounced as T-C-wag) back in high school. I encountered Pareng Louis again during college, while I was still taking up Math and our standard textbook was The Calculus with the weird space-inspired cover design. I think it's the seventh edition, but I'm not sure. I have to check our book shelves.

Yes, I still have it. It's the only Math-related book I kept (I think) after shifting out of BS Math. I didn't want to throw the book away (the idea is too horrible) or sell it to the lowerclassmen. I figured it was one of those books that might come in handy in the future. Who knows, if I'm bored, maybe I'll crack it open and try to study it again. Or maybe if I'm bored and desperate.

Oops. Am I disrespecting the dead? Sorry. Anyway, may God bless his soul. He's probably enjoying Math Heaven, drinking (what do mathematicians drink, anyway? Coffee? Tea? Beer? Wine?) whatever and talking with other geniuses like Fermat, Pythagoras and Nash (if he's not in the Economics Heaven, that is).

Beauty Madness

I bought the latest edition of Preview Magazine a week ago. And I just finished marking the cosmetic products I like. Not that I could afford them. I mean, a lip gloss for a thousand bucks? Eye shadow for three thousand? Even if they’re from Shu Uemura, their prices are pretty extravagant. (Besides, maybe I don’t need eye shadow. The area around my eyes are dark, so people sometimes ask me if I’m wearing make up. Concealer na lang siguro. *hint hint*) On the other hand, I don’t think I could afford even the cheaper products. *sigh* Being unemployed sucks. I couldn’t even shell out a few hundred bucks for my vanity.

Wait up. This is not just vanity. I need to look good during job interviews and stuff. As my mother told me a couple of days ago, after staring at my face intently, “Anak, magpaganda ka!” so that my chances of getting hired would go up. This got me thinking, do I have the face that even a mother couldn’t love? *sob!*

Anyway, make up can indeed do wonders. I was one of the usherettes in a Mother’s Day dinner-concert that my parents took part in organizing. Of course, I had to spruce myself up a bit, so I aside from a nice blouse and a pair of slacks, I also wore make up (which I got from my oh-so-generous aunt). As you know, Kalibo is a small town, so most of the people know everybody else. One of the guests I was accompanying was a family acquaintance, and she stopped by mother’s table to chat. The guest told my mother, “Maganda pala itong anak mo!” She [the guest] added that she didn’t recognize me (and *ahem* my beauty) at first because she always saw me in jeans and loose shirts. Later, when I recounted to Ica what happened, she teasingly said, “That’s just a little dolling up. Imagine what a little more can do!” *sigh* it’s nice to be appreciated once in a while. Especially if that once in a while comes after a long long while.

And, as Tita Lynne, another family friend, said, at least it wasn’t, “Ay, akala ko maganda ka; pangit ka pala!”

snagged this from ate pj

(I made some changes...)

THIRTEEN RANDOM THINGS YOU LIKE:
13. Cindy Kurleto :D
12. Lualhati Bautista’s books
11. the layered haircut I had a few years back
10. Nivea lip gloss in Strawberry
9. Pugad Baboy
8. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
7. Bamboos in the Wind (a novel about the pre-Martial law years)
6. white roses
5. the beach
4. Garfield
3. cold rainy days (and nights. So nice to sleep until the rain stops)
2. dark chocolate
1. having a baby fall asleep in your arms

TWELVE GREAT MOVIES
12. Centerstage (one of my greatest frustration in life is ballet)
11. Amelie
10. Cruel Intentions (the first one; mainly because of its soundtrack.)
9. Lord of the Rings trilogy (to save slots. hehe :D)
8. End of the Affair (I love Julianne Moore!)
7. The Matrix (the first one)
6. Schindler’s List
5. Ringu
4. Life is Beautiful (La Vita e Bella)
3. Monster’s, Inc.
2. Mulan (the first one. Its sequel went straight to the home video, I think.)
1. American Beauty

ELEVEN GOOD BANDS/ARTISTS
11. Cynthia Alexander
10. The Beatles (even if I don’t particularly listen to them, I can’t deny that they’re really good.)9. Lea Salonga
8. Andrea Boticelli
7. Josh Groban
6. Oasis
5. Red Hot Chili Peppers
4. Sarah Geromino
3. Kyla (really really amazing voice. her songs are cheesy, though.)
2. Bituin Escalante
1. Gary Valenciano

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU
10. My hair is always short, never going past my shoulders
9. My right eye has a significantly higher grade (200) than my left (only 50), probably because of number (8)
8. My left eye can’t move to the extreme left. This is because of Duane’s Retraction Syndrome, where a nerve in my left eye is damaged. I’ve had it since birth.
7. I have a tendency to have weird crushes. The only example I can come up now is Mike “Pekto” Nacua, a comedian in Nuts Entertainment and Wow Mali, among others.
6. I have never flown a kite nor learned how to ride a bike.
5. I’m terribly shy, hence, I do better in intimate gatherings than in large groups
4. A part of my heart is in Norway. *sniff* My friends in Tugon should know why.
3. I’m going through a crisis… I don’t know where I belong!
2. I just found out that I’m a controlling person. Very controlling indeed.
1. Single but committed to somebody. Weird ba?

NINE FRIENDS NUNG KABATAAN
9. Irene
8. Georgina
7. Catherine
6. Joebelle
5. Lily
4. Apple
3. Maureen
2. Shirley
1. Katie
(These were my friends and playmates while we were still living in Manila. I’ve lost touch with most of them. The others, well, only on a hi-how are you-goodbye basis.)

EIGHT FAVORITE FOODS/DRINKS
8. San Mig Light :)
7. corn
6. Starbucks Iced Chocolate
5. Starbucks Peppermint Mocha
4. Red Iced Tea from Tokyo Tokyo
3. Tekka Maki from Tokyo Tokyo
2. Strawberry Cheesecake
1. Dark Chocolate (Meiji and Toblerone!)

SEVEN THINGS YOU WEAR DAILY (aside from clothes)
7. eyeglasses
6. footwear (depending on the occasion)
5. lotion (current: Block and White Ultima Whitening)
4. deodorant (can’t think of anything else)
3. toner and/or moisturizer (face)
2. ponytail (to tame my flyaway hair)
1. masks (figuratively speaking; psychological)

SIX THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY
6. watching a good movie
5. reading a good book
4. seeing cats (mine or otherwise… in the flesh or in pictures/videos)
3. feeling a cat purr while I stroke its neck
2. having a nice golden tan (which I don’t have right now. Hmph.)
1. watching my baby brother playing and having fun

FIVE SHOWS YOU WATCH
5. any interesting show in Discovery Channel, National Geographic or Animal Planet
4. Alias (I love Sidney/Jennifer!)
3. Late Night with Conan O’Brien
2. Nuts Entertainment
1. Bubble Gang

FOUR THINGS THAT IRRITATE YOU
4. ABS-CBN copying every other show or concept from GMA (or international networks. Kamao is just a rip-off of The Contender)
3. corrupt government officials (and the fact that we can’t seem to do anything about it)
2. people who think too highly of themselves; pretentious, “plastic” people
1. nosy people, gossipmongers. Mind your own business, dammit!

THREE CELEBRITIES YOU ADMIRE
3. Alex Da Rossi
2. Vic Sotto (tagal na sa showbiz! Grabe charisma!)
1. Julia Roberts

TWO PEOPLE ON FRIENDSTER WHOM YOU INVITED FIRST: I can’t remember :D

ONE GREATEST FEAR IN LIFE: that no one would know me enough to write a good (and accurate) eulogy on my funeral

just dropping by

nothing important. (as if anything of importance is written in this blog. oh well.) i just want to tell everyone that my current obsessions are as follows:

>my baby brother. see his pictures in my multiply account

>badminton. yes, i finally found a sport i can play without looking like an idiot. come to think of it, hitting (shuttle)cocks is more enjoyable than playing with balls.

>my pet fish. i have seven tiger barbs in the aquarium and three guppies in the fish bowl.

>and last, but definitely not the least, my pet cats. MIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!

au revoir!

who am i kidding? my tan is horrible. it's not even pantay. aargh.

this has got to be the worst summer of my life. i'm stuck here at home. wait, i don't have a home. this is just the house that my family (and other relatives) lives in. i don't belong here. frankly, i don't know where i'm supposed to belong. oh sick sad world.

i want to be anywhere but here. preferably in manila where all my friends and everything's that's familiar to me are. i was set to go next week to help out in a trade fair, but as my luck would have it, my parents and aunt changed their minds. i am now to stay here, as a bantay in the office in the morning and yaya to my younger siblings in the afternoon (and night). dammit.

if i'm still here by late june, i'm gonna stage a coup. i swear i will.

boracay

Just came from Boracay. Some cousins from my mother’s side came over to visit, and naturally the world-famous beach was in the itinerary. But I think I overdid my tan this time. The skin on my upper arms are so mahapdi (how do you say that in English anyway? And I applied sun block!). The rest of my body is okay naman (with my butterfly henna tattoo on my right shoulder blade. Yeah!), although I’m a bit darker than I expected. Not to worry. I already bought skin whitening lotion even before we went to Bora. Haha. Walking contradiction ba ang dating? Magpapaitim sa beach and then magpapaputi pagkatapos? I’m just trying to even out the skin color of my arms. :D

Hmm… Henna tattoo is so last year na pala. The in thing now is the hair braid. My cousin paid 500+ bucks to have her hair braided. Pretty expensive, even if it took three hours to do her waist-length hair. The things people do to earn money.

*sigh* It’s gonna be another year before I set foot on Boracay again. Even if I live in Kalibo, I can’t go there regularly. I’m not a Boracay-whore, as Raya Mananquil wrote in Inquirer a few weeks back. My mother and I have this private joke (not so private anymore) that we could go to Boracay anytime we don’t want. Kung kalian namin gusto, bawal pumunta. So there. Everyone’s busy in this house kasi, so we don’t have time for “frivolities” like that. My father couldn’t understand why we really want, nay, desire to go to Boracay. It would always be there, he tells us, so why go there when there’s still a lot of work to do? Yun na nga e! It’s so near, that’s why we take it for granted na. We have to wait for guests na sasamahan namin sa Boracay. Otherwise, it’s a no-go from the Master of all KJ and Party Poopers aka my father. Grr.

Although Boracay’s getting crowded and dirty na. Commercialized na kasi. Super daming tao, super daming waste (as in piss and poo), super daming lumot. Eew. Tsk tsk. People should take steps to conserve Boracay. And I’m not just talking about the locals but the visitors as well. Boracay’s not gonna be beautiful for long if they keep this up. In five years or so, it’s gonna be ugly and polluted, and tourism in Aklan might die with it. *sigh*

normal schnormal

I am angry and I don’t know why. I’ve vented it out on our dog and on the glasses I was washing earlier. I do not ordinarily resort to animal cruelty (unless you consider smothering them with affection cruelty) and I’m usually careful when doing the dishes, but I haven’t been feeling normal lately either. Nothing in my life is going the way I want it to be. Everything just sucks, from the moment I wake up (which is around noon) to the moment I lay my head on my pillow. I’m starting to think that everyone and everything, including my dry frizzy hair, are conspiring against me. But then we all know that’s not true. I mean, why should they waste their time thinking of ways to torture me when they can just ignore me? The outcome is the same, so why bother? Who am I to merit such attention?

I’m either undergoing post-graduation depression, some sort of identity crisis, or an imbalance in my hormones. No, I’m not suicidal nor tempted to self-mutilate again. Not because I don’t want to, mind you, but because such actions are not feasible in this house. You see, my aunt’s meat processing plant is right next to our house, so our place is rarely empty. Up front is the office and selling area, so there would always be people there. At the back would be the kitchens and dining areas (we have two each, one for the workers and another for our family), and our workers hang around there during break time. It’s usually empty inside the house during the day, save for meal times and when one of our staff comes in to look for my parents or my aunt. Blah blah blah. Come and visit me here so you’d see, eh?

I guess it’s this house that’s driving me crazy. There are just so many people doing so many things that my internal balance is thrown, well, off balance. Maybe eight years of living away from home taught me twisted kinds of independence and autonomy. I’m still dependent on my parents and aunts for food and money, but aside from those, I want nothing to do with these oldies. I hate it when they order me around, especially when I’m in the middle of something, or when I’m about to do something. I hate it when I have to take my meals at certain times, and I can’t ask for anything else when I don’t like the ulam. I hate it when I have to take my sister to her summer class everyday, and that I have to watch my baby brother at dusk because his yaya has to go home. I hate it when I have to wake up earlier than I would have wanted. I hate it when I have to wait for my turn to use the bathroom, and that I have to take a bath quickly because somebody else is going to use it. I hate it when I can’t the surf the internet whenever and for as long as I want because all our phone lines are used for the business. I hate it here, dammit.

I’m so used to living on my own that I can’t stand living with my family anymore. For eight years I was my own boss, doing whatever and whenever I please. I had roommates, yes, but that was of no consequence. The worst that could happen was the silent treatment, and it wasn’t that dreadful. In contrast, I don’t think I could last another week in this house. I want to go back to Manila, to my pseudo-independent existence, but then again, what am I going to do there? It’s not as if a job is already waiting there for me. Oh dear. I need help fast. I feel like a volcano about to erupt. And to think I went home so I can relax before plunging into unemployment. This is exactly what I predicted, that my jobless state would just ruin this summer.

Somebody please take me to the beach. Or a mental institution.

snip snip snippets

These are the stuff that’s been on my mind lately. They’re mainly bits and pieces of the recent happenings in my life, so they don’t really have a flow. Para naman hindi lang results ng quizzes yung nababasa nyo. And to think Creative Writing was one of my choices of course to shift into. Writing, maybe. Creative, no. Hmm… And instead of the incredibly looooong entry I posted earlier, I split the thing into several posts.

I want to go to a retreat. I really need to do some soul-searching before I go back to Manila. I wonder if silent retreats are offered here in Aklan.

I’m having second thoughts on working in Manila, though. On one hand, where else could I find good employment opportunities? Abroad perhaps, but I don’t want to end up taking care of some cranky old guy. On the other hand, competition in Metro Manila is pretty stiff. Also, its population has been skyrocketing with the massive influx of people from the provinces. I was hoping that I won’t to add to the congestion. I believe that our country should try to decentralize, i.e., economic activity and development should not be focused on a few cities. There are scores of other towns and cities that need to be developed. Graduates hailing from provinces like me ought to stay put and improve our respective hometowns. But then again… *sigh* The internal debate continues. Serves me right for not going to any one of the retreats offered by Ateneo last March.

I had my hair trimmed last week. I was tempted to tell the hairstylist to chop off a couple of inches or so, but I stopped myself because I knew I’d regret it later. You see, I’m trying to grow out my hair but I hate having to go through this awkward length. I wish I could go back to my short ‘do, but I also want to experience having long hair at least once in my life. Do you know that the length of my hair has never gone below my shoulders yet? Hmm… Is this sudden determination to have long hair a sign of my female hormones finally kicking in?

I bought three tiger barbs a couple of days ago. That’s a kind of tropical fish, if you still don’t know. They’re small and light brown, with four dark vertical stripes on their sides. Two of them died last week. They're in the freezer right now, awaiting burial. Don’t worry, it can’t be mistaken as ulam because I placed it inside a box of matches. Oh, and we’re planning to buy an aquarium (complete with aerator, filter and the customary miniature castle). But my younger sister, Nadya, and I have to use our own money. So we have to “work” in our family business. *sigh* My first taste of “independence” in the “real world.”

Nadya actually has more money, whether in the wallet or in the bank, than I have. And to think she’s ten years younger than I am.

By the way, she’s taking Math and Science classes that her school is offering this summer. It’s not because she failed or did poorly during the school year. She actually won a couple of Math contests already. District level nga lang, but she’s quite good. And this is not just the proud sister talking. Gahd, aren’t we a bunch of nerds.

But for all her potential, she has one shortcoming: she hates reading. She actually got sleepy after reading a page of Nancy Drew. (To her credit, it wasn’t really that interesting. Nevertheless…) So what’s wrong with that, you ask. A lot. How is she suppose to know important stuff when she won’t read anything other than her textbooks? How is she suppose to pass her entrance exams when her vocabulary is miserable and her reading skills are next to zero? Besides, reading is a way better than sitting in front of the idiot box all day. What is wrong with kids nowadays? Don’t they know that if they don’t read, they’re gonna grow up bobo? Sheesh.

Two cousins (one from each side of the family) gave me lipstick and foundation as graduation gifts. My tita also gave me the lipstick and foundation from her balikbayan amiga. But the lipsticks do not flatter my skin color, though, and I have yet to master the art of applying foundation. Next items on the kikay list: blush and eye make-up. *hint hint*

Because jobhunting would be my favorite pastime during the upcoming months, I need to overhaul my wardrobe. I couldn’t very well go to the offices in Ayala wearing t-shirt and maong. I’ve started to shop around for, and boy, do I have the worst luck in slacks. I’m beginning to think that having long legs is a curse. I know it sounds mayabang. My legs aren’t even *that* long. Besides, long legs are assets, so what am I complaining about? You’ll probably want to bonk me on the head now. I’m really sorry, but you have to put yourself in my shoes. I get frustrated every time I try on a pair of slacks. The cut would be all right, nice fit on the waist and thighs, but the length would always be wrong. It would be bitin, therefore I couldn’t wear shoes with heels because I’d look ridiculous. And that’s minus pogi, er, ganda points during qualifying exams and interviews. I’ve spent hours in malls looking for slacks with the right length, and so far, I’ve only found one. I can’t very well use that every time I go jobhunting. I mean, I have to give the poor thing a rest once in a while.

I should have gone to UP. I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO UP!!! No offense to Ateneo, but maybe UP could have taught me a thing or two.

I was reading Everything’s Eventual by Stephen King last month. (Sorry, delayed reaction ito.) This book is a collection of 14 short stories from the master of dark tales. “Autopsy Room No. 4” and “That Feeling, You Could Only Say It in French” were surreal, and “The Road Virus Heads North” and “1408” were absolutely spine-tingling. I couldn’t stop reading the damn book even if I was scared shitless already. I told Andie that it made my heart go thudthudthud and my hands shake. Sometimes I just had to put the book down and take deep breaths to calm my nerves. But I just couldn’t put it away. The stories won’t let me. I’d rather read the book to the very end and know what King had in mind for each story, than let my overactive imagination concoct its own ending. *sigh* I wish I had half of King’s knack for storytelling.

I am such a night owl. I rarely get to bed before midnight. It’s almost 2:30 am as I write this. Darn, I need to adjust my sleeping habits. That means I need to get everything done during the day so I could sleep earlier. But then again, I noticed that I’m sluggish during the day and active at night. When the house is quiet and everyone’s asleep, my energy level shoots up and I could do whatever I want to do. But when everyone’s awake and the house is bursting with activity, I become slow and unproductive. It seems that people around me drain me of energy. Or there are just so many people in the house during the day that I don’t want to get in the way of things. Or maybe I’m just lazy.

Posting this from home :D

Quick updates lang. I promise I’ll post a full-fledged entry soon. :D I can’t say I’m really busy; heck, it’s vacation already, for crying out loud. I’m just too lazy to churn out something relatively serious.

Update #1: Graduate na ako!!! Woo-hoo!!! After 16 or so years, I can finally stop going to school. Although I still have no idea what to do with my life rigt now. Blogging and bumming more likely.

Update #2: My first rejection letter came a few weeks back. Yep, UP School of Economics rejected me. *sob!!!* I really wanted to pursue further studies first before plummeting into the “real world,” but it’s not meant to be. So I guess I’ll be joining the unemployed earlier than I expected. Hmm… why not apply in other schools, you ask? It’s kinda late already. Besides, I really want to go to UP because I heard their school of Economics is one of the best, if not THE best, in the country. No offense to Ateneo Eco Department.

Update #3: Cutie Pie is already taken! *double sob!!!* Can you hear my heart gasping in pain and breaking into a million jagged pieces? No? Good. Because it’s not. Of course I was a little bit surprised, and a little bit hurt. After all, she was my obsession for quite some time. But being heartbroken over a silly infatuation is kinda going over the top, even for someone like me. Besides, we’ve lost contact na, and I did mention na hopeless na ako sa kanya because of that hullabaloo with my screwed-up ex #2? So there. Now I’m looking for someone new to obsess about. Any suggestions?

Update #4: I’m home sweet home in Aklan. Ahh… Fresh air, free food, no teachers nor assignments, and of course, no direction in life. Oh well. I shall live the glorious glorious life of a bum for a month or so. Then I shall have to return to the dusty polluted shithole that is called Metro Manila to look for a job. Hehe. In the meantime, anyone wants to go to Boracay with me? Call me.

Well, that’s basically it. Excuse me while I go check my Friendster account and read all the blogs in Blogspot.

Update Lang

Just a quick entry. I saw Mark Herras last Friday night. I was celebrating my birthday with Raissa, Bon and another one of Raissa’s officemates, Chad, in a bar and billiards place along Tomas Morato. Raissa thinks that Mark looked better in person than in TV. He did look cute that night, but I think he was feeling kinda uncomfortable while playing billiards with his friend (and a couple of girls who looked like sluts. Hehe. I’m just jealous.) Maybe he’s still not yet used to being in the limelight.

Anyway, his face was so fair and makinis I got really envious. But it would have been a better birthday gift if he was with Jennylyn (Mercado). Or even if only she was there. Mark’s cute and all, but I heard Jennylyn is really really really beautiful in person. Maybe if we saw her, I had the guts to come up to her and ask for an autograph. Although I seriously doubt that she hangs out in places like that.

Okay, so this isn’t a quick entry after all. Hmm… Aside from our Starstruck encounter, something else happened that night. I don’t want to divulge the details, too complicated and a tad embarrassing. But after that incident, I realized I am not easy (you know what I mean, and no, this isn’t about Mark Herras. Asa pa ko!). I may have a liberal mind, but I am not liberated. I still have respect for my body and more importantly, my dignity. Whew. Four years in Manila and I still have my values intact. Well, at least some of them anyway.

Graduation is only a couple of weeks away. I’m happy that this hell sem is about to end, but I’m petrified of what’s going to happen next. After a month or so, I will be joining other fresh grads (or fresh meats) looking for our very first job. In other words, I will be officially unemployed. *sigh*

Oh, Paolo mentioned in his blog that his teacher said working abroad would actually be beneficial for our country because of the dollars (or euros or sterling pounds or dinars) coming in. On the contrary, it would actually wreak havoc in our economy. According to Sir Dumlao, more foreign currency coming in would appreciate the peso, making our exports relatively more expensive in the international market. Local manufacturers and exporters then couldn’t compete because of the higher prices, causing our some of our industries to incur losses and eventually collapse. In economics lingo, this phenomena is called the Dutch disease (but it didn’t really originate from the Netherlands).

Philippines had already experienced this due to the over-exploitation of logs. Because the peso appreciated against the dollar, some of our industries like shoe-making, toy-making and textiles, couldn’t compete anymore in the global market. So even if we had high-quality products, foreigners wouldn’t buy them because they were expensive. Anyway, since we have no more rainforests to cut down, we’re not experiencing this “disease” anymore. But because more and more people are going abroad to work and sending their earnings home, we might be in the brink of another Dutch disease. We’re actually exporting humans rather than logs.

Sheesh. I hope I didn’t bore you with that. And we all thought that OFWs and caregivers are the saviors of our economy with the dollars they bring in. Apparently, life isn’t that simple. Welcome to the real world.

Birthday Madness

Ahem, ahem.

Maraming maraming salamat nga pala sa mga nakaalala sa kaarawan ko kahapon (Linggo, ika-27 ng Pebrero). May mga bumati naman sa akin, pero mukhang mas kaunti kaysa sa mga nakaraang taon. Mukhang sa pagtanda ng isang tao, nawawala na ang pagka-cute nya (cute ako nung bata ako, pramis!), kaya nalilimutan na rin sya ng mga tao. Sa katunayan, may mga nakasama akong kaibigan kahapon, ngunit hindi man lamang nila ako binati. At hindi lamang sila kung sinong kaibigan. Napakalapit nila sa akin. High school pa lang magkakilala na kami. Ay naku. Sabi nga ni G. Lagliva, ganyan talaga ang buhay.

Kung si Angela ang tatanungin, dapat daw inanunsyo ko sa buong mundo na espesyal ang araw na iyon sapagkat kaarawan ko. Marahil ay marami ang bumati sa akin. Dagdag pa nya, hindi daw kasi ako nanlilibre o di kaya'y nagyayang lumabas man lamang, kaya nakalimot na kahit ang mga malapit kong kaibigan. Di bale. Kakatapos lang ng finals week kaya di ko na naharap maghanda para sa aking kaarawan. Sabi ko nga sa iba, kalimutan muna na kaarawan ko. Busy naman kasi kaming mga seniors.

Oo nga pala. Beinte na ko. 'Nyeta, ang tanda ko na. At malapit na kong magtapos sa kolehiyo. Ano na gagawin ko sa buhay ko? Hindi naman siguro pwede na aasa na lamang ako sa mga magulang ko habang-buhay. Di bale, matalino naman ang nakababata kong kapatid na si Nadya. Sigurado ako na aasenso siya. Sa kanya na lang ako hihingi ng sustento kapag wala na akong mahanap na trabaho.

Kakagaling lang pala namin ni Dennis sa UP School of Economics kanina. Kilala na nga ako ng sekretarya dun dahil nakilang balik na ako dun. Sabi nya wala nang entrance exam para sa Master's degree nila. Maghintay na lang daw ako ng liham galing sa kanila. Uh-oh. Kinabahan naman ako dun. Walang maibubuga ang aking application form. Maayos naman ang aking essay pero marahil hindi yun ang da best op da best. Ganito na lang. Pagdasal nyo na makapasok ako sa UP. Murang mura lang dun, at magagaling pa ang faculty. Hindi ko naman sinasabi na hindi magaling ang Ateneo Economics Department. Pero syempre, gusto ko rin ng change of scenery. Tsaka, punyeta, ang mahal sa Ateneo! Kahit gusto ko makita sila Dumlao, Domdom at Venida, hindi ako magbabayad ng mahigit P100,000 bawat taon!

Ayun. Basta, ipagdasal nyo na makapasok ako. Ayaw ko pa muna magtrabaho e. Tsaka kung nag-aaral pa ko, may oras pa ko magsulat sa inyo. O di ba?

Ano? Mas gugustuhin nyo na wag na lang ako magsulat? Um, sige, ganito. Malay nyo, sobrang busy din ako sa Master's kaya hindi rin pala ako makakapagsulat. O, ayan. Ok na ba yun? Sige na. Pagdasal nyo na makapasok ako. Mukhang nababaliw na ko e. Biruin nyo ba naman na bigla akong nag-Tagalog. Haha. Hahaha. Ahahaha. Nyahahaha. *kumikisay-kisay at naglalaway*